In my previous post, I mentioned things a family can do while waiting to adopt. Becoming trauma-informed and understanding more about how the brain works during times of trauma are number one. These ideas and tips can help you become prepared for the challenges of being an adoptive parent.
LANGUAGE: The words you say can help a child through their difficult moments or they can exacerbate an issue. Learn appropriate language and teach the child this language. For example, replace ‘real mom’ with biological mother or whatever seems comfortable for you both. We have had deep discussions with our children about what our role in their life is, versus the role of their previous mother(s). Keep in mind that they will have a certain level of attachments to each mother, foster mother, previous adoptive mother or otherwise even if the previous parents do not deserve it. For example, a drug addicted biological mother might get more respect than you.
HOLIDAYS: Acknowledge to your child on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day that they might be thinking a great deal of their biological parents. It would be quite natural to struggle in this area. Do not take it as a personal insult, but a natural step for them to work through. Most every problem we have run into being adoptive parents, we have been able to turn into a teaching moment of some sort. They need help processing the array of feelings – hatred, love, anger, resentment, bitterness, etc. A counselor or therapist might be a good idea if you feel you cannot handle these types of conversations. Holidays of all sorts can be difficult. Our daughters struggled during the Christmas season. What should have been a joyous season, was just another reminder of their neglect and abuse with their biological parents. One daughter always remembered getting a beautiful stereo for Christmas, only to sold for drugs a month later. It broke her heart at a very young age.
SUPPORT: Now is the time to recognize and identify who is supportive of your decision to adopt – keep in mind, this may change. This will be an ongoing challenge for you and it’s important to have a realistic perspective of the people who surround you regularly. Friends may come and go as you find yourself absorbed in different challenges and frustrations.
HAIR CARE: If you know that your child will be a different ethnicity than you are, it is important to the child that you are educated in this area. Before you get nervous and stressed out that you will have to do hair extensions and fancy braids, it may just mean that you have salons or friends that you can call on for these services and for advice on hair care products.
FIND PROFESSIONALS: This seems obvious. You will need a pediatrician or family doctor and a dentist, but you may also need or want a psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor, therapist, or neuropsychologist. You will probably want local professionals but I have traveled through several states to get to an adoption expert and specialist. It can be worth the travel, to find someone educated and experienced in child trauma and adoption.
MONEY: Prepare your finances the best that you can. Save rather than spend. Say no to the extras like Fast Food and impulse buying. If there is a choice of insurance benefits that you can carry, choose the one that includes psychiatric, counseling, and therapy. It’s better to have it than to need it and not have it available to you. Children cost money to raise, that’s no secret, but a child with trauma can stress your finances.
INTRODUCTIONS: Everything will be brand new for the adopted child. Many experts, including Dr. Ronald S Federici urge adoptive parents to stay at home with no visitors for a short time – a week or perhaps even a month. Let the child get to know you, his new surroundings, rules and expectations. Bonding with just you, enables them to view you as the parent and get to know you in that role. Slowly introduce to family members – perhaps even have them wear name tags when relatives are visiting. Do not allow family members to hug or kiss the child at first, but to shake hands or just talk to them and get to know them. It can be overwhelming for strange people to be hugging a child.
RESEARCH ADOPTION AGENCIES: Ask friends who have adopted, join adoption groups in your area either via Meetup, Facebook, through a local church (even if you are not religious this group may not be religious) or the old fashioned, word of mouth.
- How easily it is to talk to the social workers, case workers, and supervisors they work with – availability, supportive, personable, ethical, turnover of workers, typical time it takes to get a child placed, matching process of child,…
- What countries do they handle adoptions with?
- What is their process?
- How much will it cost – is there a breakdown of the fees?
RELEVANT CLASSES: Is there a class you can take to prepare you for adopting? Besides the mandatory class you may have to take required by your agency and/or state, are there any other classes you can take to help you prepare for the demands of traumatized children? Keep in mind, that even adoption is a trauma – there had to be loss, sometimes several, before the child came to you. i.e. loss of their biological parent, loss of their biological relatives, etc. even if newborn at placement because they may mourn the loss of the voice of their mother, the one of whom they listened to for nine months in the womb.
EVERYTHING WILL BE NEW: Everything is new! It’s a new culture, environment, home, family, relatives, school, commute to school, teachers, expectations, rules, chores, bed, …. Give them time to learn, adapt and accept it all. Easy on the punishments or discipline even when you feel they should know better or they will be quick to rebel, resist and resent you.
