Coping with a Child with Attachment Disorder
The other day, a guy walked into my workplace whom I knew well. Our sons played soccer together for at least three years, if not more. We lived fairly close so our kids would carpool with one of us parents driving. He began to speak to me and immediately realized that he knew me or should know me. After stuttering for about fifteen seconds, he finally blurted out, “You’re Sam’s mom.”
Yes, I am Sam’s mom and awfully proud to be so, but after several years of chatting, carpooling, and sitting next to one another at the ball games, he didn’t remember my name. It does not offend me, but rather shows that we often associate people with someone else or something.
You’re Janet’s friend. You’re Joe’s neighbor. You’re the big poodle’s mom. You’re Sarah’s dad. You work at the store on the corner of fifth and Alma. You drove my bus all through high school. You drive that ’55 Chevy. You live in that big house on the hill. You’re Chet’s daughter.
But what happens when you are the parent of a child with an attachment disorder like RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder)? What happens when the child associated with you is violent, manipulative, and mean at home while being sweet and talkative in public and everyone adores her. You struggle to see the good because you are continuously enduring the cruel, hateful attitudes and behaviors at home.
It is difficult when your child is sweet and perfect in public. Rather than celebrating their good behavior in public, we become resentful. You feel like they’re making a fool out of you…and they often are. You feel powerless. When they are home, children with attachment disorder cannot and do not regulate themselves. Their emotions blow with the wind, and you are the target of all of their fury and frustrations.
That’s how you begin to lose your positive connections with people outside of your family. This loss of friends and family is a devastating blow to our reputation, support network and past and future memories.
It is not easy. If you were in an intimate, loving relationship with someone who was violent, manipulative, controlling and degrading, everyone around you would tell you to leave him/her. Friends offer help and emotional support. They beg you to leave for your well-being as well as your children’s well-being.
However, if it is a child or teen who treats you this way, you are expected to endure it, rise above it, see the good in them, and continue to ‘help’ them. The amount of violence, manipulation, threats, or angry outbursts does not matter.
Here are five tips to get through:
Know who you are – Love yourself, respect yourself and care about yourself so that you do not depend on someone else’s love to give you VALUE. You have value and you have something to give to the world. You have purpose.
Consider an RTC – A Residential Treatment Center of some sort or a wilderness program or if applicable, a boarding school may be in order. Stop the guilt at the door, because your child cannot continue to treat those around them with such disrespect. Your child has an attachment disorder and needs to learn how to bond, learn what attachment is with intensive attachment therapies and stop abusing you. If your child had cancer, you would not hesitate to get them the help they needed. Mental health issues should not be any different. You cannot put a price on peace. We emptied our retirement and refinanced our home twice. I do not recommend this avenue of payment, but this is how we were able to afford such care. I have also heard great things about Neurofeedback Therapy, but I have never used it.
Get exercise – Children with attachment disorders can suck the life out of you as you give and give and give, with very little positive in return. It is your job to take care of yourself and keep yourself healthy. Put yourself first as much as you can. Exercise also helps with stress. When my child needed to be watched every second of every day, I had them do Tae Bo with me or sit on the couch beside me.
Refuse to live in Guilt, Shame or Resentment – Children with trauma and attachment disorders often hurl insults and cruel words at you continuously without regard to how hurtful it is. Our child explained that she did not care who she hurt or how badly she hurt them. She was referring to physical and verbal abuse. Choose to believe in yourself and your parenting, even when you mess up. We are human and are not perfect. We are not robots. It is what you do with your mistakes that matters. Continue to improve yourself, your interactions with your child and others around you. Learn about attachment disorders and how you can improve bonding and decrease your negative reactions to their behaviors.
Be Professional – Working in an office with co-workers of all backgrounds and personality types can be a great life lesson. You are forced to be professional, even when you disagree or do not care for someone’s personality. It can be helpful to fall back on those skills when dealing with your child with an attachment disorder. Be professional. You cannot always fight with your child’s strong emotions. You cannot make them behave or listen to you. Forcing your child to allow you in their hearts and minds in order to help them is not possible. That is often the last thing that they want. Vulnerability scares them as much as bonding. Every emotion for our child with trauma and attachment disorder turned to anger. It is all our child knew due to the extensive trauma they went through. You CAN control how you react. Be professional in your dealings with your child. If a punishment is associated with their offense, say it. Do not preach about it or lecture. Do not explain why you feel this way. Believe in what you are saying and be done with it.
If you seek out professional help for your child with attachment disorder, such as a therapist, there are three things to keep in mind.
- No therapist is better than a sub-par or poor therapist.
- Find a therapist who is well-versed in attachment disorders such as RAD and is willing to work with you, not against you.
- Talk therapy is not helpful for children/teens with attachment disorders.
Read about our struggles raising thirteen adopted children with trauma and attachment disorders in PHOENIX BOUND.
