Growing up I always understood that domestic abuse was wrong, and I knew red flags to avoid while dating guys. I did know one woman in an abusive relationship. It crushed me to think that this petite, kind woman was so tortured most of her adult life while raising children, first by her abusive spouse and then by the oldest boy. It could not have been easy for her. I knew, without a doubt, that if I were ever caught up in a domestic violence situation or abusive relationship, I would get out of it, no matter what it would take.
But is it ever that simple?
Not always.
Abusive people often create a small world for the abused spouse. They also threaten them, especially if they have children together. Abusive spouses are abusive, and it is not easy to get their tines out of you in order to escape and live happily ever after. That is why there are so many programs out there to help abused spouses such as www.thehotline.org which says, “Everyone deserves relationships free from domestic violence. When you’re ready, we’re here to listen with confidential support 24/7/365.”
I used to cry when I saw ads like this in public bathrooms and on TV.
But domestic violence programs do not help certain cases, nor does any government or private program. No programs help the parent of an abusive child. After coming to the house several times that same week, I have had a caring police officer tell me to ‘get rid’ of the abusive child. Sometimes, I wish it were that simple. It certainly sounded better than tolerating the abuse. I have had other naïve people ask how a parent could ever tolerate such abuse.
PARENTS ARE LEFT WITH NO CHOICE
Parents of abusive children walk on eggshells as to not trigger the child, but as anyone knows with abusers, it does no good. We have no support, understanding, compassion or resources. We are only blamed, ridiculed, and ironically, accused of abuse, especially if the child gets a scratch during an aggressive altercation. When I restrained my daughter, who was in a bulky, puffy jacket, because she was assaulting my other children, I was accused of a scratch on her arm two weeks later after she had fought handcuffs in the back of a police car for over two hours. Hmmm. Why did they bother? A scratch? She had caused an injury on me that never healed, even after twenty years and hurt my other son so badly, I felt the need to bring him to his doctor. A scratch possibly gotten during a necessary restraint; abusive?
There is enough research to know that trauma changes the brain and yet, if my child with trauma is behavioral in any way, it is our fault. We are doing something wrong or not doing something right. We are saying something wrong or not saying something right. The system is quick to accuse parents of abuse and/or neglect if they hold up the white flag.
Insurance companies do not want to pay for the appropriate long-term care and intensive therapy outside of the home that our children with trauma desperately need. Many residential treatment centers will not take our children if we choose to self-pay because of their aggression and violence, and yet, we are expected to tolerate such abuse. These places can cost anywhere between $3,000 and $15,000 a month. Our daughter was sent home from an acute care facility, psychiatric hospital, the same day she punched the nurse. Isn’t that a reason to keep her longer?
Even children who blatantly threaten to harm, kill, and rape are sent home because there is no place for them, funding is not available, or they simply expect the parent to tolerate such abuse.
OUR CHILDREN NEED HELP
Things need to change. Our children need help. Our families need support. We all need healing, especially the other children in the home who have to witness and/or endure the same abuse.
After years of abuse and begging for desperately needed help, these abusive children grow up. Several of my abusive children are now adults. As children, we could not get them help. We begged, prayed, explained, educated…even wrote a book. Our abusive children are now abusive adults with trauma. They are not abusing us anymore. They have their own families, jobs, and lives, and unfortunately, perpetuating the cycle.
Wouldn’t it be better to get them the help they need while they are young, so we do not have to perpetuate this cycle any longer? Or would it jeopardize your job if the next generation of children and adults were healthier people? My children deserved healing! Didn’t they?
Adopting a child is a personal decision and one that should take serious thought. No one else can tell you if you should adopt or should not adopt. No one should make you feel obligated to adopt a child. People who know you well, can certainly weigh in and help with such an important decision, and those who have adopted a child can give you insight on what to expect and their thoughts based on their own experiences and education, but no one should make you feel obligated to adopt.
Many people feel obligated to adopt because their case worker:
Tells you your child has a sibling and if you are not going to adopt this child soon, they will take the child to live with siblings. Your child may not have any siblings.
Explains RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) to you and tells you that if you do not adopt this child, the child will struggle with RAD. The child probably already struggles with attachment issues such as RAD. That may be your hesitancy in the first place. You should never be guilted into adopting a child anyway. Most of the time, the same case workers explaining RAD, are not educated in RAD and know very little about it.
Threatens you that they will take the child from you if you do not adopt soon because the child is at the perfect age to be adopted and each month that goes by, makes it more difficult for them to be adopted by someone else.
Dismisses the issues that you are currently having with your child, saying that adoption will give the child security and structure, and the behaviors will decrease and probably go away. Any issues that you are having now with the foster child, you will continue to have after adoption and due to the threat of bonding and the fear of relationships, the issues will most likely increase.
Foster care and adoption is all about the money and closing cases. They are funded by the state and given incentives for adoption. That is not to say that there are not case workers who truly care about the children on their caseloads. It is, however, how the system works and is supervised.
An adoption worker or case worker can be over-zealous in getting a child adopted, especially if you have been the child’s foster parent. They might use guilt or explanations of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) to sway your decision. Do not allow anyone, especially case workers or their supervisors to coax you to quicken an adoption you are not ready for. Adoption will not decrease a child’s behaviors. It will generally increase a child’s behaviors because of their fear of stability, bonding, and relationships (basically the definition of RAD). They fear attachment and will often do whatever it takes for you to not want to be around them and will sabotage anything good that you do.
Case workers might tell you that the child will get RAD if you do not adopt. Family members might beg you to adopt, making you feel guilty that you are not willing to help family. Case workers might allude to you that behaviors go away if you adopt, because the child will feel a sense of stability. It all sounds logical and believable, but children are not that simple. Behaviors tend to worsen especially with the onset of puberty. Family members tend to meddle in your parenting when they are caught in the child’s triangulation efforts. Children are not blank slates. The trauma they have experienced may not be remembered, but their body is keeping the score and their body and brain tends to react to the trauma throughout the stages of the child’s life, especially in times of transition.
To help educate potential foster/adoptive parents, most adoption agencies offer mandated pre-adoption classes that cover various topics of adoption. My husband and I found these classes to be minimally educational and not at all helpful to us in our future adoption experiences.
If you choose to adopt, understand the risks and be open to hearing about the behaviors the child is presenting. It is best to go into a situation with your eyes wide open and have a plan before you find yourself sinking in waters you do not understand. Ask to speak to the child’s case worker, adoption worker, counselor, teacher, and foster parents. Know what you are getting into. With enough love, structure and outlets for their negative feelings, their behaviors will not dissipate. When you adopt, you are adopting their past hurts, their traumas, and their DNA. It needs to be carefully considered and not forced by anyone else.
My suggestion is this:
If you feel any hesitation….
If you do not love the child as your own…
If you are feeling pushed to adopt…
If you cannot imagine living with this child’s behaviors until they are at least 18 years old…
If you do not feel called to adopt this child…
If you are only adopting this child because…
If you feel obligated to adopt…
If the child has greater needs than you can handle…
If the child’s needs are more costly than you can afford as a family…
Then you should seriously consider not adopting this child. Do not feel obligated to adopt.
If you love the child as your own and feel you could work out any future problems, they have…
If you have researched RAD specialists and therapists, Neurofeedback and EMDR therapy, and feel that you have enough love, money, understanding, compassion, and time to get them the help they need…
If you feel called to adopt this child…
If you understand the difficulties this child presents and have researched ways to keep yourself and your family safe…
If you want to adopt this child without hesitation…
If you feel you have enough support from family, friends, and neighbors, even if things get real difficult.
If you are ready for all other support to end…
Then you can seriously consider adopting this child.
If you would like to learn more about our experiences and struggles with adoption, read Phoenix Bound. No one should make you feel obligated to adopt. Educate yourself and those around you about trauma and the adopted child.
Preparation can be the key you need to succeed. By understanding traumatized children for example, you are setting the child up for success in your adoptive home rather than a disappointment in your eyes or a failure in his own eyes. Preparation gives you the information and knowledge to make an informed decision. If after contemplating the information, you choose not to adopt, that is ok. Adoption is not for everyone. I used to think that everyone should adopt one child and there would no longer be a child anywhere that did not have a home to call their own, but after our struggles and experiences, I understand that it is more of a calling. Are you called to adopt? Perhaps this checklist will help you know the answer.
Are you familiar with typical adoptive issues such as RAD (now DTD) and PTSD? (RAD – Reactive Attachment Disorder, DTD – Developmental Trauma Disorder, PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). https://angiekelliston.com/attachment-disorder/
Choose the Country you would like to adopt from. Do your research. Hague countries have more stringent laws and policies, but it has also been a protective measure used to decrease illegal adoptions and slave situations. Pay close attention to their adoption requirements and be sure you meet them as your time fighting these requirements would be better spent adopting elsewhere.
Choose an Agency that deals professionally with this country – do your research – find an agency that has the qualities you are looking for, primarily: friendly, professional, and easy to work with especially should you have any challenges with your child. You need an agency that will not only back you up but point you in the right direction for help. Be sure you meet their requirements as well. For example, some agencies do not want to work with you if you already have five children in the home.
Choose an Attorney – Whether you are working with the County you live in or an agency or adopting privately, you will need an attorney. Find an attorney with a good reputation in Family Law/Adoption. Perhaps your agency can recommend one.
Keep in mind that no matter how tough the situation is for the biological parents/family, you cannot give them money or it would be as if you are buying the child. You should, however, offer to pay the attorney of their choice to represent them. You can also help by paying their medical fees, hotel fees or any other fees associated with giving birth to a child.
Adoption Support is important for your mental and emotional health. Find a Facebook group, church adoption group, a local foster/adoptive group, or friends you can call on who have adopted. You will have questions.
Build your adoption library. Have books that speak to adoptive children and teens. Have resource books for yourself. Take time to read them and familiarize yourself with them. https://angiekelliston.com/books/
Don’t neglect your relationship with your spouse. Stay on the same page and have each other’s backs.
Adoption Credit – is a program the government has offered in the past. It helps credit you for the expenses you paid in adopting your child including travel, hotels, adoption agency fees and legal fees. Check to see if it is still applicable to your adoption.
“Another way to be prepared is to think negatively. Yes, I’m a great optimist. but, when trying to make a decision, I often think of the worst case scenario. I call it ‘the eaten by wolves factor.’ If I do something, what’s the most terrible thing that could happen? Would I be eaten by wolves? One thing that makes it possible to be an optimist, is if you have a contingency plan for when all hell breaks loose. There are a lot of things I don’t worry about, because I have a plan in place if they do.”
Happy middle aged 60s adult in glasses posing for selfie on smartphone with adorable small child at home. Little cute kid girl recording funny mobile video with an adult or making call.
There are many reasons for people to begin thinking about adopting a child as they get older. Some have raised their biological children and feel there is something missing in their lives. Some have devoted their lives to their career and now want to experience the joys of being a parent, or there may be a specific child someone knows that they are concerned about. Whatever the reason, our hearts can often turn to the option of adoption at a slightly older age than we would have originally planned, and therefore, I have gotten the question a great deal, “Am I too old to adopt?” I hope my answer helps in your decision.
Each agency, country and organization have specific policies to regulate who they permit to adopt. Find the organization and country willing to allow you to adopt. There are also regulations based on legal offenses, age, sexual identity and family size. Beyond that, agencies can make up reasons they don’t want to work with you. It will be near impossible to fight them and in my opinion, you want to go where you are wanted, so find an agency that you can work with in a friendly manner.
The older I get, the more I realize how subjective age is. In other words, it is not the age that is the concern. It is the challenges and our ability to adapt to these challenges. For example, if you plan to adopt, you need to be prepared for the challenges as well as the potential challenges the new addition will present. If you plan to adopt a baby, you need to be willing to buy the necessary things a baby needs such as diapers and formula. You also need to be prepared for some sleepless nights, childcare and allow time for naps, but you also need to be aware that it is a long-term commitment. It will be at least eighteen years before they go off to college or leave for independence, so add eighteen years to your current age and think about whether you would like to be parenting, disciplining, and attending their athletic games or dance recitals up to that age.
Children with a great deal of trauma may take more energy to handle. Their behaviors and perception of the world is a reflection of what is going on in their hearts and can be quite taxing. Energy, patience and a strong support system is a necessity. Trauma comes in waves, being triggered by the slightest thing, and you need to stand up to it with resilience, strength and an inner peace. An exhausted adult cannot effectively handle the trauma that can attempt to destroy everything you sought to do for the child. Additionally, the adult needs to come to terms with any trauma that they have personally experienced, so as not to be triggered themselves or put their own trauma onto the child. Another consideration is finances. Money may be needed for therapies or other extraordinary needs. Everything should be talked about with your spouse, openly and honestly. Everything should be considered. There should not be a conversation that you shy away from and both of you should be on the same page. If there is a wedge between the two of you, the hurting child can and will use that to manipulate and triangulate.
Special needs children have just that, special needs. Learning what their special needs are and how you can help them is essential. The additional energy, patience and strength may be too much as years go by. Finances may be stretched, too, due to the need for specialized equipment, extra caregiving needs, or therapies. It is not a reason to decide not to adopt, but it is a consideration before making this decision.
If you do not decide to adopt, consider a different way that you can stay in this child’s life or other hurting children’s lives. The children are our future and need your wisdom, strength and perseverance. Can you read to children in a school? Can you befriend a young family or a widowed family? Can you volunteer your time to a summer camp or organization who works with troubled children? Remember that the trauma inside of a child is expressed outwardly. It is their pain that causes them to act out behaviorally. When confronted, they often do not know why they do the things they do. Perhaps your life experiences can help them see things differently.
When these children are grown up, independent and have families of their own, you will have one another left. Will it be a healthy relationship? That’s up to you, now as you make decisions together and travel on this journey called ‘Life’ together. Do not be afraid of information and considering everything.
What does an adoptive child want? I have been asked this question a great deal. A parent of biological children may think that this is a silly question with one answer: Children want to be loved. But you’d be surprised at my answer. Love isn’t my first answer. Adoptive children often come with a great deal of trauma. It is important to consider their trauma, their life experiences and how they have learned to perceive and ‘deal’ with the world around them.
WHAT DOES A CHILD WANT?: Obviously, every child is different but to answer this question as simply as possible, I think I can generalize by saying that all children want to be understood. Whether they are coming from a biological family, an adoption disruption, another country, the foster care system or from the streets, they want to be understood. Unfortunately, children from these situations may have communication barriers such as confusion, anger, cognitive or developmental disabilities/delays, audio processing difficulties, and/or a language barrier. Regardless of the difficulty, the simpler parents communicate and offer information, the better. Keep in mind that trauma often creates a barrier, and adoption, as wonderful as it is, is a trauma for these children.
Keep in mind that trauma often creates a barrier, and adoption, as wonderful as it is, is a trauma for these children.
Children want you to understand that you cannot make them someone they are not. You cannot change their personalities, their sexual orientation or their gender. I have a good friend who is in her sixties now. She was adopted as a baby but grew up knowing that her father wanted a boy, not a girl, therefore, she found herself doing things a boy would enjoy, appeasing her father and attempting to make him love her. She learned to hunt, fish and play baseball to earn his love. It’s difficult to grow up knowing that you were not enough.
To be understood trumps the desire to be loved, because people who try to understand you are putting forth effort which ultimately relays compassion and a love for that person. When we took my eight-year-old daughter, Anna, into our family, she thrived because she was understood. Her behaviors in her previous adoptive family were manipulative and showed a great deal of frustration. We slowed down her life, making it simpler, making her rules simpler and making her consequences simpler. She needed to start slower and learn this demanding American culture, our language, our expectations and us as individuals as well as us as a family.
To get deeper, children want to be loved. Some children value the Christian faith and lifestyle because of its focus on peace, love, hope, faith, compassion and forgiveness. Some children want a dog, but some are afraid of them. Some want a family where they can play football and others just want to sit and read. Some children want a rural lifestyle while others prefer the city. If you are adopting an older child, you can have a frank discussion with them. Our son, Miguel, was ten years old and made it impossible to have an honest conversation with him because he was so nervous. All he could do was spew nonsense out of his mouth. On the other hand, our eight and nine-year-old girls were very welcoming to a walk discussing real information, learning who we were and learning about what their life would be like. Our sixteen-year-old son, Kyle, especially appreciated it. We were able to sit down with him at a buffet near his foster home and discuss in detail what our expectations were as well as what our family and family-life looked like. He was at the age too, where he could make an informed decision about his future, so we wanted to know, too, if he was interested in living with our rules, expectations, and personalities. We understand that adoption greatly changes their lives and it is not as simple as focusing on our joy and excitement. Our focus was on them. It is up to the child to make an adoption work. Like any relationship, it takes work.
It also helps to keep in mind that these children have often learned to depend on themselves, and no one else. They have learned that they cannot trust adults. They want love but push your love away. They may do things to seem more unlovable to you. They may urinate in their pants or in their rooms to push you away. Understanding them, helps to deal with the onslaught of behaviors that may surprise you or even disgust you. As you know in your own life, it takes time to trust someone you do not trust. An extra amount of patience can help, but therapeutic parenting and/or therapy with an attachment (RAD) expert is often necessary.
Angie K Elliston and her husband have been married over 20 years. Together they have adopted from the foster care system, adoption disruption, internationally and privately. Their oldest child at adoption placement was 16 and their youngest was a newborn. They are committed to one another and the challenges of adopting children from an array of backgrounds and trauma.
