Easter is my favorite holiday. I love the meaning of Easter, what it represents, the chocolate, the Easter Egg hunts we attend as well as the Easter Egg hunts we have as a family, Easter sunrise service, free breakfast after the church service and the delicious family dinner.
Through the years, holidays have lost their excitement and meaning. Thankfully, I’ve learned some tips that have brought back that excitement.
Things I’ve learned after adopting traumatized children:
Lock up candy when not choosing something to eat from their basket. I’m not saying deprive them of eating their candy, but I found that one child would often steal everyone else’s and leave other children in your family feeling sad and angry. So for everyone’s well-being, lock up candy.
Replace candy and chocolates with a small gift, such as a kite, Lego set, or a book. Holidays have been materialized and candyized (and yes, that is now a word 😊). None of us, especially those sensitive to dyes and sugars, need a ton of candy for every holiday that comes along. Some candy/chocolate is fun, but beyond that, it’s simply not healthy.
Number gifts and hide them, rather than using labeled baskets. Wrap the gifts and keep a tally of how many were hidden around the house and what rooms were used to hide items. Announce how many gifts each person can find. At the end, when everything has been found, hand out the gifts to the proper recipients. This way, the seeker does not give away a hidden gift that does not have their name on it. None of the gifts have a name. I use numbers so that they don’t know who’s whose until I hand them out. Also, I have hidden things like uno cards and Pop tarts as family gifts, making the hidden items a larger number than just one each.
Keep things simple. Keep everything simple. Preparations for holidays can be more exhausting than the actual holiday. Find ways to keep preparations simpler. For example, I’ve learned to buy a dinner side at the grocery store. Don’t be afraid to have something on the table that wasn’t prepared by your hands. I have also made the menu much smaller. If everyone doesn’t get their favorite dessert, sometimes I’ll make their dessert a different day soon after Easter, but for Easter, I’ll only make a simpler assortment of desserts. A store-bought shrimp platter can offer a fun treat that you didn’t have to make. Decorations are fun but keep them at a minimum. Often, I found that I was the only one doing the work and it felt lonely and exhausting. My kids couldn’t help me. Their trauma gets in the way, whether they are remembering traumatic events from past holidays or feeling like you hate them or remembering their biological parents as if they are Saints, they may attempt to make your Easter preparations difficult. Put on music that set the mood for you and do not expect help. Expectations can surely disappoint.
These are just a few ways that I have made Easter not just more tolerable, but more fun for me, as well as those around me. When mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Take care of yourself and learn to set limits. Enjoy your holidays and create new traditions for your family. They will look forward to these traditions even as they grow older. They also look forward to these traditions you set, when they are struggling with their traumas.
Our adopted children come across as strong, tough and durable, but like any child, inside they are fragile, inflexible and dependent on the adults in their lives. In many ways, adopted children are more fragile and dependent. In their hearts, they have jumbled emotions and walls that have been created by their trauma, experiences and loss. Many of them have learned to control those around them by manipulating and triangulating. Therefore, in uncertain, stressful times like the Covid-19 Coronavirus that take away their routine and control, their struggles can resurface.
Fears and Insecurity: Food stealing and hoarding, overeating, and behavioral issues
will most likely increase. Every adoptive parent handles this differently and
can get irritated by someone else’s thoughts on this. Many do not believe that
you should lock food up as these children already have food issues and it only
makes it worse. I haven’t found that. My children had these issues whether I
locked it up or left it out. But I did find that if I wanted to have any sanity
in my home, I needed to lock our food in pantries and freezers. There was
always food and drinks of all sorts available as well as three meals a day.
Health: Some adopted children already have underlying health risks. For example,
our son was three when we adopted him from a third world country. He was in the
orphanage because he almost died of an unknown Respiratory Infection. He doesn’t
struggle anymore with it, but it could become a factor if he contracted the Coronavirus.
Our other son has asthma symptoms when he gets allergies or a cold, so the Coronavirus
would be an obvious issue for him.
Adoptions: Several borders, businesses, organizations, face to face
meetings have been suspended for a certain amount of time. It wouldn’t be wise
to continue the adoption route right now.
Bonding: Time in the home setting can be a good thing and can create moments of
bonding such as playing therapeutic games, board games, charades, card games,
cooking together, baking, homeschooling, etc. but for some adopted children
with attachment issues such as RAD or DTD, it can become a conflicting time for
them because bonding is a threat to their mindset. It can be a battle zone. Therefore,
that forces some parents to be in a survival mode. Watch RAD videos I created
on my website if you’d like to learn more or share awareness. www.AngieKElliston.com
Lead: They will follow your lead. If you are stressed and dysregulated, they
will also be a mess emotionally and dysregulated. I believe in telling children
the truth. Remain in their wavelength and cognitive abilities when addressing
issues surrounding the Coronavirus. They may not need to know all the details,
but some details may help them understand it better. You know your child better
than anyone and can decipher what is too much and what they need to know.
ALL of these may be factors for the adoptive parent as well. These uncertain times have created fears
anxieties, and insecurities that we have never had to deal with before. Many of
us in stable, secure jobs are now watching our small amount of savings dwindle
to nothing as no income comes in. Many adoptive parents are already struggling
with their health and wellness, as children with trauma may make it extremely
difficult to stay in shape and even stay well. I urge you all to take precautions
against the Coronavirus, as well as take care of yourselves the best that you
can, including plenty of sleep, nutritious food and some type of workout. Sometimes
you need to be creative in finding ways to workout. I am teaching our foster
puppy to run along side the scooter so that someday she will be able to run
along side a bicycle. There are a variety of free workout programs on YouTube
including walking in place, running, yoga, stretching, Tae Bo and aerobics. Find
someone who inspires you and does a workout that you are able and willing to
do.
If you know a foster/adoptive parent, please check on them. Send them a
text, a note of encouragement, a call, or an email. Let them know that you read
a blog about their possible struggles and that you are thinking of them. Most
often, they already feel quite isolated and alone in their struggles and in
their feelings, but the circumstances around the Coronavirus has just made it
more real.
What to do: We can’t ‘fix’ our children’s issues in a two-month quarantine, but hopefully we can help them understand what’s going on and carry on in some sort of routine and safety.
Be sure you’re safe!
Pick your battles.
Stay Healthy.
Keep a routine.
Take deep breaths.
Don’t worry about their schooling. Do what you can, but don’t
fuss beyond that.
If you have therapeutic games such as the Talking, Doing,
Feeling game, it would be a great time to bring it out. Story cubes and story
cards are also great. It may be time to invest in a game or two. Several sites,
as well as Amazon offer them.
Adoption dissolutions and adoption disruptions are two terms
that are the result of a failed adoption. As in any type of division of the
family unit, it leaves behind broken hearts, a multitude of unanswered
questions and an array of emotions. The child might be placed with the social
services system, adopted by a new family or in some cases, even sent back to
their home country. It’s heart-breaking, but in most cases, it is preventable.
#1 Educate Yourself: Learn
as much as you can from as many people as you can. Going into an adoption with
your eyes wide open is a way to safeguard yourself, your family, and your
adoptive child. Watch movies and
documentaries, read books, magazines and articles, seek out classes on PTSD,
bonding and other hot topics of adoption, find support groups through
communities, churches and online. As you’ve taken in a wide variety of
information from different sources, keep the lines of communication open with
your spouse or significant other. You want to be on the same page, willing to
discuss difficult topics and to be setting yourselves up for a successful
adoption.
Also, before adopting, get as much information as you can
about the child or children you are considering adopting. Meet with counselors,
case workers, teachers, foster parents, anyone who works with the child, knows
the child and is willing to speak candidly about the child. Be willing to ask
the tough questions and willing to hear the answers. Being prepared for
difficult behaviors is the first step to preparing yourself, your family and
your home environment to keep them safe.
#2 Get to the root of
your child’s behavior: As much as you can, keep your emotions out of
situations with your child. They need to know that you are tough enough to
handle anything they have in their past and in their hearts. Adoptive children
often do not feel worthy of love. It does no good to take offense to their
hurtful words or behaviors. Often a belief system or a deep pain can be
uncovered, talked about and addressed head on.
#3 Communicate Effectively:
You will not always agree with case workers or foster parents, but you need to
act as a team on behalf of your child’s best interest. There are many differing
opinions, mindsets, prejudices, biases and belief systems that can create a
great bit of strife but handling it professionally and appropriately can give
you a better feeling than telling someone a piece of your mind and the latter
can destroy the chances of adopting the child or send him packing. Being a case
worker or a foster parent is a very difficult job and they feel the stressors
of it daily.
#4 Easy on material
stuff: Giving your child too much too quickly sends a child the wrong
message and can overwhelm a child. The first few months should be kept simple
for a newly adopted child. Take this time to get to know one another. Whether
you are planning a trip to Disney World or an electronics store, think twice
about the stimulation and overwhelm they might feel.
#5 Realistic
Expectations: Make the new rules simple and clear. Do not expect too much
too quickly. Whether he is a child coming from an orphanage in a third world
country or foster home in the United States, it is not easy to change lifestyles,
expectations, relatives, pets and who they call ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad.’ Allow
transition time and be easy on the punishments or corrections.
#6 Time In: Most
parents are familiar with Time Out. Time In is the opposite and allows the
child to remain by your side rather than be rejected or separated from you. It
gives the parent an opportunity to teach the child what is expected. Enjoy
being with them and don’t be afraid to go back to the basics. Many children
have spent so much time bouncing from home to home, they have never enjoyed the
basics. Keep them close and get to know them.
#7 Educate family and
friends: Family and friends generally have good intentions, but they may
not fully understand the challenges you are facing. Being on the same page will
help support the security of your adoptive child by reducing unintentional
undermining.
#8 Take precautions: Foster
and adoptive children, regardless of their backgrounds, trauma or age, have
experienced unknown abuses and situations within their family unit. Safeguard
your children in ways that help them feel safe as well as yourself and your
family. It may include regular family meetings, a more structured lifestyle,
new rules such as ‘no overnights’ at other people’s houses, or security
cameras.
#9 Routine: We
have regular family meetings to talk about upcoming events, what to expect and
their daily/weekly struggles. We enjoy impromptu outings like any family, but
insecure children thrive on routine and have a need to know what is coming up
for the day.
#10 Trust Your
Instincts: We may not be birds who instinctively know to fly South in the winter,
but we have gut feelings; uneasiness and peace, based on what we feel is the
right thing to do. We cannot always put our finger on it but we feel it. Trust
those instincts and do what you feel is right – this will come into play
adopting and raising the adoptive child.
SUPPORT THOSE WHO ADOPT
It is important to support adoptive parents in their
struggles with adoptive issues such as insecurity, manipulative behaviors and
feelings of loss. It takes a family to raise a child but a village to support
that attempt.
Angie K Elliston
Author of PHOENIX BOUND: An adoptive mom of 13 shares her struggle raising traumatized children.
There are times in our lives as adoptive parents that we feel completely deflated and depleted because of our children’s extreme behaviors. In the past, we have witnessed a small issue become a large issue in our children’s minds, whereby they chose to destroy their lives and future because of it; so….. we get scared. We get scared when we see our child go downhill quickly because ultimately, it’s up to them to turn it around. Most of the time, however, no matter how bad a situation looks in the moment, we can use it as a teaching moment – an opportunity to use as a lesson.
We have raised a couple of ‘opportunists’- children who continuously look for opportunities to do wrong, illegal and/or immoral things. If we lock the medicine cabinet every day, but forget to lock it one morning until noon, the child will have already noticed as if he checks it every minute of every day. If I bring my purse everywhere I go, but choose one day to leave it hidden in my room, the child will know this even if he wasn’t home when I made the decision and money will be taken. In the same way, we can be opportunists. We can be opportunists of good; and as parents, we can be opportunists of life lessons. Our children do not always have the ability to process the world around them and it’s up to us to spell it out for them. They often lack social skills, people skills, and global skills. In short, they need to be taught everything. I remember as a kid doing and saying some dumb things, because I did not know any better. With a traumatized child from a background of abuse and/or neglect, this can be much worse.
Parents don’t always say or do the right thing when under fire. I come from a long line of people who react. I have to continuously fight that tendency, but the greatest lesson I learned from our neighbor with seven children was:
“you will make mistakes but it’s what you do with them that matters.”
Everything can be a teaching moment.
The other day my 10 year old and our foster puppy broke a large window. My son was amazed that I did not get mad. I told him that I was so happy that no one was hurt that I couldn’t get mad. It spoke volumes to him about the value of stuff compared to the value of human life.
We are a Christian family and unapologetically so. We fear our older teenage son is headed for a life behind bars because he enjoys the quick money, the fast life, gangs, and the thrill of stealing. Yesterday I was furious at him for going through my room and taking the cell phones that I did not want him to have. I felt violated and I was furious at his blatant disrespect. I did what many parents would have done, for good or for bad, and I told him that I wanted them returned to me or I would make his life miserable. The next day after school, they were sitting on the table and he told me the entire truth of when and how he stole it. I stood in amazement. He has never told me the truth before, nor did I ever expect to get them both back – and I knew I had no recourse to do so.
A few minutes later, he asked, “Did you pray?” I said, “Yes.” With wide eyes, he said that every time he went to do the wrong thing that day at school, he got a bloody nose. With wider eyes, he said, “I don’t ever get bloody noses but the first time I figured it was just allergies or something but the second time I knew something was up, so I knew I had to return them to you.” I took this opportunity to remind him that I always pray for him and that we truly care about where he is headed. I said, “You didn’t come this far in life to be mediocre, nor did you come this far in life to sit behind bars or live a life of crime – God has so much more for you.”
I thank God now for stressful situations and situations that normally would look hopeless. I plan to use these times as opportunities for a much needed breakthrough. Don’t let sad times, difficult times or crazy times get you down –
Stand up above the flames, peer through the smoke and look for the opportunities!
“You will make mistakes, but it is what you do with them that matters.”
My kids (all adopted) have seen and felt trauma I cannot imagine. I grew up with two parents who never divorced. When I was in my 40’s, my mother died; a committed wife to my father. I had a stable home life with them and they helped me transition to college and then into adulthood.
Each of my 13 children have their own traumatic experiences – beginning with their early childhood trauma. Their sporadic memories form their perception of life and the world around them. Some of them have seemingly forgotten past memories and some of them have active memories of the past – but most of them have stuffed their memories and aimed them toward the most unlikely.
Often their anger is aimed at us- the last men standing – the ones who made them feel safe enough to let it all hang out – their adoptive parents.
The lesson learned: Do not take it personally.
Their verbal bullets aimed at the adoptive parents’ hearts can hurt like nothing else. Our love begins at the knowledge and dream of adopting. Their love often ends with a closeness that scares them. The reason we adopt is usually laced in compassion and love but to have that ignored and attacked is more than one can stomach.
Although the anger is aimed at us, the anger they spew comes from within – deep within. Adoptive parents make mistakes – some bigger than others – much like biological parents, but, more times than not, we aren’t the real targets. The goal is to find the root and work with the root of that anger, rather than get bogged down by the hurtful words. Adoptive parents need to have thick skin, refuse to live in guilt, and know who they are. DBT therapy, Reality therapy, therapy games, adoption journey books, and loving them through the hard times with firm discipline are some of our tactics to fight their angry bullets. (These are all mentioned in PHOENIX BOUND.)
Feel free to share what has worked for you or your children.
Angie K Elliston and her husband have been married over 20 years. Together they have adopted from the foster care system, adoption disruption, internationally and privately. Their oldest child at adoption placement was 16 and their youngest was a newborn. They are committed to one another and the challenges of adopting children from an array of backgrounds and trauma.
My kids (all adopted) have seen and felt trauma I cannot imagine. I grew up with two parents who never divorced. When I was in my 40’s, my mother died; a committed wife to my father. I had a stable home life with them and they helped me transition to college and then into adulthood.
