Valentine’s Day, like many other holidays can be difficult for some adopted children, or anyone who has had a great loss or trauma in their lives. There are many different ways to show love, understand love, perceive love and receive love. Sometimes people’s pain builds a thick brick wall around their hearts, making it more difficult to handle the concept of love. In many cases, the people that have vowed their love to them, are the same people who have hurt them. My African born son once told me that he does “not trust black people.” This was only a year or so after he arrived from Africa. Our Hispanic daughters balked at the idea of learning their native language; Spanish. The more excited I got about having a personal tutor, the more they refused to speak any of it.

Upon arriving with an enormous amount of pain and trauma, I have allowed each of our children to come to us in their own time, allowing them to first get to know us and then see that they can trust us. It’s the ‘stray cat approach.’

Unfortunately, we have seen the slightest thing ripple this trust and love for us even years later. Valentines Day was among the worst holidays when their hearts were not at peace. And worse yet, we do not always have the kind of friends and family who understand our children. Therefore, they have not pointed them back to us and our love for them.

To help our children know our love for them, I started a ‘Chocolate Bar Tradition.’ Each year, I buy a large package of Hershey Chocolate Bars and measure a blank piece of paper to match the Hershey label that wraps around the candy bar. I then write a personal love note to each person in my house. I do not keep it vague. I get deep into their hearts and minds. I want to grab them out of the muck and mire, reminding them of their purpose in life and the love we have for them. I then wrap it around the Hershey Bar face down so it remains a personal note, sealing it with tape. Each year, the kids are excited to find their chocolate bars either at the breakfast table or on their night stand as the wake up.

One year in particular, it completely changed our daughter’s heart. She was about 15 years old at the time and was so broken and confused and angry by the time Valentines Day came around, I thought I’d get the chocolate bar melted onto my pillow, but my letter was like a healing breeze to her soul. She needed it so badly. She cried in our bedroom doorway as she told us she loved us and needed us and did not want to ever get that deep into her confusion and anger again. (Well, she did…in college….and when people that knew better could have helped her out of it, they helped her dig deeper inside her brokenness and anger. But don’t worry, I pray for her and prayer breaks through the thickest walls. She won’t allow me to send her a Valentines Day message but that’s where God comes in. He breaks through walls.) My point is, sometimes we all need to just know that someone cares. We all tend to dig deep into our own self-pity, self-righteousness, self-absorbed fears, ……  Sometimes, we need some help.

Love can look differently for people in pain. Pain and trauma can be dealt with and overcome but it takes a consistent and persistent drive. Our enemy knows exactly where to aim his daggers and what pushes our buttons and gets us sidetracked in life. Our prayer life needs to be as carefully aimed – directly at those areas he will attempt to break down and destroy. So does our love for one another.

Happy Valentine’s Day !

Make it a special day for someone !

My mother made sure to give us a great Christmas – lots of gifts and lots of delicious food – but what made it special is that she put a lot of thought into each gift. She found what we asked for and if she couldn’t, she found something she thought might be comparable. She listened to our wants and she followed through. She enjoyed giving. Not to be left out, my father bought few gifts. He worked overtime during the holiday season, starting in mid-November, going through the end of December at least. He provided the funds for my mother’s extravagant shopping. The few times my father picked out a gift for us is still very special to me and I remember each gift as if it was a diamond ring.

I was brought up with the Spirit of Giving and I have grasped onto that in my own life as an adult. Giving when someone is not expecting it or giving anonymously is especially fun. When we listen to people’s needs or wants is when it means the most. A friend once called me to chat and in the conversation she complained that she was lonely, fat and depressed. Later that day, I brought her a Slim Fast drink, a $5 bill for gas money to visit me, and a hug. It made her laugh and if nothing else, it showed her I was listening and I cared. I stayed for a good hour and chatted which probably meant even more.

Christmas is a time to remind each of us of a special gift that was given to us – a baby named Jesus – who was born to be our Savior.  Non-Christians have traditionally grasped the meaning of giving and celebrate the holidays with joy.  It’s a happy time for all.

Or is it? As an adoptive mom of several traumatized children, Christmas brings up- well, everything. It can cause confusion, anger, depression, random memories and feelings of unworthiness. Holidays are a blatant reminder of what they’ve lost. I’m sure all of us can understand that to some point – especially those of us who have lost a close family member, a spouse, a neighbor,…..  Christmas can be a constant reminder of those people we miss dearly.

As we become aware of how the holidays can affect our adopted children and those around us who have lost someone special, we can be more attentive to their needs and wants. They need to know that we remember those people, we recognize the hardship and we care. Be creative in ways that you might show it. In the texting and emailing day in age, we need to perhaps back off from the technology and show true love in a personal way – a visit, a hug, a smile, holding the door for someone at the store, a phone call, a letter or card in the mail. Our time is the best thing we can give someone to show them we care because they know how much we value our time and how busy we are.

Be careful not to chase the American dream so intensely that you become numb. I had a co-worker whom I tried to befriend but the more I got to know her, the more I saw her running frantically through life, never having time to sit and process what was going on. Much of her ‘work’ was just being busy, not productive and not helpful. Sweeping your feelings under the rug only creates a big lump that becomes a hindrance for everyone else as well as yourself. Feel these feelings. Don’t run from them, using busy-ness as a hide-out. Heal from your own hurts and embrace those around you who need to heal too.

Smile in the long lines at the Post Office, smile in the longer lines at the store, and smile at the sold out concert you planned to attend. Turn to the person behind you and say a kind word. Ask them how their holiday is going? Ask them their favorite part of the holidays? Relieve stress by laughing together about the busy-ness of the season. Be present. Be a gift to someone who may need your smile or banter.

At times, I’ve been known to be a humbug when it comes to holidays because I believe that the Christmas Spirit and kindness should be all year, not just one day a year. Sometimes it’s the only time we hear from the ones we care about. That should not be the case. We need each other in this unpredictable, difficult life. We need each other to cry with us, laugh with us and be with us. I don’t need an emoji. I need you!

What was your best Christmas Ever ?  I would love to hear from you.

P.S. I have learned that the best gift you can give an author is a Review – so feel free to leave a Review of either of my books at the end of this Website and/or Goodreads and/or Amazon. Leave one on each site and you will hold a special place in an author’s heart. (smiley face)

I started this blog because I did not want my book to be the end of the conversation nor did I want it to be a one sided conversation.  I welcome reader’s questions, comments, personal experiences, and yes, if you promise not to be too mean about it – your criticisms too.  I hope to make it clear throughout my website that this website in no way takes the place of counseling, therapy or professional help.  I am not a professional – I am experienced…at being a Mom to adoptive children… and most moments, I love it!

My husband and I have adopted 7 children from the foster care system, two children privately, two children from an adoption disruption and two children through an independent international adoption.  That is 13 children altogether but we have only had, at most, 8 children in the home at a time.  The youngest child we have adopted was newborn, and the oldest child was age 16.  (When I use the word ‘adoption’, I am referring to the date they walked through our door, not the date the documents were finalized in court for legalization.)