I started this blog because I did not want my book to be the end of the conversation nor did I want it to be a one sided conversation.  I welcome reader’s questions, comments, personal experiences, and yes, if you promise not to be too mean about it – your criticisms too.  I hope to make it clear throughout my website that this website in no way takes the place of counseling, therapy or professional help.  I am not a professional – I am experienced…at being a Mom to adoptive children… and most moments, I love it!

My husband and I have adopted 7 children from the foster care system, two children privately, two children from an adoption disruption and two children through an independent international adoption.  That is 13 children altogether but we have only had, at most, 8 children in the home at a time.  The youngest child we have adopted was newborn, and the oldest child was age 16.  (When I use the word ‘adoption’, I am referring to the date they walked through our door, not the date the documents were finalized in court for legalization.)

We all have scars from life – some deeper than others – some more visible than others – some unspeakable – we all have obstacles to overcome.  That’s part of what life is all about.  Phoenix Bound is my life in a book.  I can now put it on a shelf.  I don’t have to relive it or obsess over it or remember it.  Obviously, I couldn’t put everything in one book but I certainly tried.  Phoenix Bound concentrates on raising our adopted and traumatized children.

PHOENIX BOUND:  A Phoenix is a mythical bird that is known to be rising from the ashes.  In the same way, my husband and I are rising from the ashes of destruction, condemnation, humiliation, persecution and an unexpected move.  DOUBLE MEANING:  Phoenix also refers to Phoenix, Arizona, where our family found our new home, an environment more conducive to raising a family.  The subtitle explains more of what the book is about:  An Adoptive Mom of 13 Shares Her Struggle Raising Traumatized Children.

A SIDE NOTE:  We had to change our names in the book for privacy and protection.  The rest of the book is truthful, as I see it.  It was written from my point of view, the adoptive mom of 13.

Are you Phoenix Bound?

We are.

I have always been willing to share our struggles, our trials, our triumphs and our dreams with anyone who asks. My husband has more discernment and shuts me down when needed, because unfortunately there are people who will use any information against you. I forget that. I trust people too much. I see the good in people when there isn’t necessarily any good intentions involved.

Regardless of all of this, I know that there is a need out there: A need to hear the truth, from a different perspective – an adoptive parent’s perspective. I’ve always prodded and begged foster and adoptive parents to speak up, but their placements (children in their care) were at risk, their biological children were at risk and their reputations were at risk. I have always prodded and begged foster and adoptive case workers to speak up as well, but their jobs, livelihood, family and reputation were at risk. I do not blame these people for protecting themselves and those they love, but I also saw that the ones ultimately hurt by our silence were the children: the foster and adoptive children in question. This has been my dream – to be there for the ones who cannot speak for themselves and to change things for the better. It has been to my detriment, but I do not regret it.

My life is now an open book – a book that would be interesting to the curious, dramatic for the drama seekers, educational for the neighbors, doctors, professionals and critics of an adoptive family, and helpful to those who desire to or have already, adopted. I would love to see this book become part of a college curriculum for professionals in any human services career. I wish I had read it during my education and most certainly, before I adopted. My life is an open book – not only for the purposes of being a requirement of adoption (a complete dossier and homestudy), but to keep adoptions healthy.

Is your life an open book? How so? Why not? Are there fears preventing you? Have you been the mouthpiece for someone unable to advocate for themselves? If so, how has it worked out for you? If not, what has stopped you?

I have always been more than willing to share our struggles, our trials, our triumphs and our dreams with anyone who asks.  My husband has more discernment and shuts me down when needed, because unfortunately there are people who will use any information against you.  I forget that.  I trust people too much.  I see the good in people when there isn’t necessarily any good intentions involved.

Regardless of all of this, I know that there is a need out there:  A need to hear the truth, from a different perspective – an adoptive parent’s perspective.  I’ve always prodded and begged foster and adoptive parents to speak up, but their placements (children in their care) were at risk, their biological children were at risk and their reputations were at risk.  I have always prodded and begged foster and adoptive case workers to speak up as well, but their jobs, livelihood, family and reputation were at risk.  I do not blame these people for protecting themselves and those they love, but I also saw that the ones ultimately hurt were the children:  the foster and adoptive children in question.

This has been my dream – to be there for the ones who cannot speak for themselves and to change things for the better. It has been to my detriment, but I do not regret it.

My life is now an open book – a book that would be interesting to the curious, dramatic for the drama seekers, educational for the neighbors, doctors, professionals and critics of an adoptive family, and helpful to those who desire to or have already, adopted. I would love to see this book become part of a college curriculum for professionals in any human services career. I wish I had read it during my education.

My life is an open book – not only for the purposes of being a requirement of adoption (a complete dossier and homestudy), but to keep adoptions healthy.

Is your life an open book?  How so?  Why not?

Have you been the mouthpiece for someone unable to advocate for themselves?  If so, how has it worked out for you?  If not, what has stopped you?

I meet up with many parents who disclose that their child is a drug addict and as they speak, I can hear their cries of guilt as if they did something wrong. Perhaps that is so, but we can only do the best we can with what we have in each situation.

One of our older adoptive daughter’s spews angry hurtful words about my husband and I and her childhood years. Sadly she does not speak of any of the good. We refuse to allow her words and angry heart to hurt us. We put our heart, soul and energy into each of our children, taking the time to understand their hearts and speak life into their young lives. [Read PHOENIX BOUND for our story.]

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.  Theodore Roosevelt

Psychology Today states “Guilt and its handmaiden, shame, can paralyze us–or catalyze us into action. Appropriate guilt can…spur one to make reparations for wrongs. Excessive rumination about one’s failures, however, is a surefire recipe for resentment and depression.

There is great controversy regarding New Year’s Resolutions because of their usefulness and people’s ability/desire/will to follow through. Therefore, cries of guilt often ensues. Guilt can be a byproduct of not doing what we know or feel we should be doing. Guilt usually brings us down rather than uplifts. The point of New Year’s Resolutions is to give us a fresh start. We can give ourselves a fresh start any time of the year but the New Year is an obvious new beginning. The key to goals is to have smaller, easier to manage objectives to build up to the goal you want to achieve.

When I was young, my father once told me he wanted me to be a better person than he is. I took that to heart and went to college because he did not have that opportunity. Throughout my life, I have tried to improve upon what he has taught me and showed me by his example. I refuse to live in guilt. Now, I tell my children that I want them to be better people than I am.

Don’t let your cries of guilt hold you down and paralyze you – allow it to catapult you into change !

Happy New Year !