Before you judge us, please strive to understand us.
Not everyone is able or willing to foster or adopt a child. Although there was a time as a young adult, I thought we should all adopt at least one child, now I understand that it takes a level of commitment and fortitude that not everyone is able to render. I am, however, proposing that we all strive to understand the adoptive family and help them succeed.
The differences in the physical appearance of these families can be obvious. Most adopt children that are genetically unrelated to them; so obvious differences can cause us to stand out. For example, our oldest son has black hair and stands heads and shoulders above our blonde and redheaded selves. Three of our children are of Puerto Rican descent, four are African, and five are biracial, African-American and Caucasian. We have only adopted one child out of thirteen that could be ours based on appearance.
Beyond the obvious differences in appearance, our family simply does not operate the same as a traditional family. It is not an easy concept to explain, but it’s something to keep in mind when observing and interacting with us. Before you judge us, please strive to understand and listen with compassionate ears, not with closed-mindedness.
Adoptive families do not look like other families – ours certainly does not.
Angie K Elliston
5 Things You Should Know About an Adoptive Family:
We generally need to be tough and maintain an extreme structure.
Our chores get done daily. We also have strict rules when it comes to roommates and our children’s friends. Overnights and sleepovers are simply not allowed. These rules are essential for their safety and the safety of others — to avoid any opportunities for sexually acting out or bullying.
Our children need to hear the truth from us, even if it is unpleasant.
If our child is coming to us from foster care, they may have been moved multiple times with no notice or explanation. For example, our 10-year old, Miguel, was in an adoptive home that adored him, but an unannounced move caused him to harbor deep-seated insecurities.
It may be a coping strategy they learned to help them navigate past experiences. At times you may see our child lagging behind, head down, and with a scowl on their face as they walk into church. Other times, they will be the happiest one in the bunch; be aware this does not indicate a problem. They might flop their body or flinch when a parent gently places a hand on their shoulder to guide them. Have you ever been to a store where your child had an unexpected flopping fit or said something aloud that made you look bad? These types of issues are common place for adoptive parents.
Often, the child is acting out a script for everyone to see without their adoptive parents knowing their own part in the play. Sometimes the parent has no involvement and no idea what is going on behind their back or what their child is saying.
I took my daughter to a naturopathic doctor to address her depression from a holistic angle, rather than relying on medication. I was excited. From the moment the doctor walked into our room, my daughter captured their attention with her woes of how terrible her sister was. Every time, I tried to divert attention back to the reason for our visit, I was quieted. At the end of the appointment, we received no allergy or sensitivity testing, no holistic herb, no support. I was told my daughter needed counseling and was unceremoniously sent home empty handed. This was ridiculous — the doctor had been hoodwinked; our daughter had never had any problems with her sister.
When my child lies, it is not the same as when your child lies.
I know the difference between normal child development and the challenging behaviors my child exhibits on a daily basis. Many times, adoptive children have learned to lie as a way of life, to survive and/or to stay out of trouble.
Sometimes, I am miserable.
I will look dragged out and have times when I cannot focus on anything. On occasion, I will be deep in thought. Being an adoptive parent is not easy. I invite you to watch this video.
This is not an exhaustive outline by any means, but it will give those outside of adoption an idea of how and why our family looks different from yours. Our family does not look like other families and that is ok. We have established a working system for the safety and well-being of our children and ourselves. Be quick to understand us and slow to judge. Our family will not look like your family. Our family has a great deal of trauma we are all working with and working through.
Stressed. Portrait stressed sad young woman with coffee cup.
Getting into one’s head means to get stuck and ruminate on negative, intrusive thoughts. We’ve all done it. After getting stuck in your head, it is difficult to get out of your head. It is frustrating and sometimes dangerous to get stuck in your head. Most people can agree that it can be terribly difficult to get out of your head, and a person can feel like they are going crazy.
Nine tips on how to get out of your head:
You gotta want it: You have to want to get out of your head. Many times, we want to dwell on the negative because we are angry and/or we do not want to let someone off the hook that easily. We want to hold a grudge and we want them to know we are angry with them. Begin with the desire to get out of your head.
Eat right: We can create a mood with the foods we eat. For example, Sugar is known to cause irritability, anxiety, and worry, but what people do not think about is what sugar is. Keep in mind that grains (pastas, rice, breads, fruits, sugar, and potatoes) turn to sugar before hitting our bloodstream. Eating foods like Salmon, Blueberries, eggs, and pumpkin seeds can boost mood and decrease anxiety. Taken responsibly, Supplements such as Vitamin D, Magnesium and Ashwagandha can decrease anxiety.
Insert good stuff: Put something else into your head. Listen to an encouraging podcast or a meditation on YouTube, a favorite song or a trusted friend’s voice on the phone. There are even Christian meditations that I have found on YouTube. Find a stronger voice to overpower yours. When I am struggling, my go-to song is Whitesnake’s, “Here I go again.” I will listen to that song at the highest level possible (not to destroy my ears) and sit as closely as possible to the speaker. It probably is not good for my ears, but it is necessary for my sanity at the time.
Relax: Do something relaxing. An activity such as tennis or swimming, a bubble bath or Epsom Salt bath, or playing an instrument can work wonders. I do not play piano well but playing piano gets me out of my head. It is stress-relieving.
Read: When my son was young, it was so easy to redirect him. I could point to something random while he was throwing a fit and ask, “I wonder how they did that? Or “What do you think that is?” He would stop his kicking and screaming, forget all about his troubles, and ask, “What?” Sometimes we need to get our mind off of what is troubling us in order to step back and see things from a different angle. Reading a good book can help us do that.
Lights, Camera, Action: Activity is proven to help build muscle, endurance, and strength. It also delivers oxygen and nutrients to all parts of your body, thus elevating mood and decrease stress.
Breathe: I have noticed that when I am stressed, my breathing is shallow. It is as if I am not breathing. When we take deep breaths, it lowers our heart rate, stabilizes our blood pressure, and decreases stress. One of my favorite four-year old’s began to have a raging fit one day as I spoke to him firmly as he was doing something unsafe. His rage was coming fast. As I yelled over his rage, “Breathe!” He immediately stopped, took deep breaths, and was able to listen to my further instruction and explanation. That four-year old taught me the importance and miracle of breathing.
Water: Drinking water makes your kidneys smile. Your kidneys help filter toxins. Toxins are created by an overload of stress, the food we eat, and the environment we live in. Drinking water hydrates us, too so that we can handle life as it comes.
Learn: I love to learn. When I am learning something new or more in depth, I am happiest. It is helpful to research and learn more about your stressor. For example, if your child with Reactive Attachment Disorder is creating a great deal of stress in the home, find groups, books, articles, and inspirational quotes. The more you learn about their struggles, the more you can get out of your head, into theirs. This blog may help.
Our children struggle in many areas due to their excessive trauma and anxiety. They regularly exhibit the four types of trauma responses in unhealthy ways: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn. They seemed to live on the edge, waiting for the simplest thing to set them off.
Rebekkah was no exception. She lived on the edge and her triggers were random, numerous, and unpredictable. Her Fight trauma responses consisted of violent tantrums, hitting her head, drooling, spitting, vomiting, and cussing. She would also pace, break things, kick others, punch, and growl Her eyes changed to a black, piercing, beady look.
Other times she would stand mute in one spot, Freeze, for countless hours. She refused to speak, eat, go to the bathroom, or respond in any way to anything we said or did. She had no affect and did not react to any stimuli.
Combining these trauma and anxiety responses was common. For example, she often began with the Freeze response for a day and go into a Flight response without warning. She refused help and most therapy and seemed to get little out of anything she did agree to. Interestingly, her Flight response did not bring her far. Most of the time, we would spot her on the edge of our property, peering out occasionally, hiding behind bushes. We would see her run from one bush to another. She always kept the house within sight and earshot. It would have been humorous to watch her bobbing head go up and down if it weren’t so sad.
One very dark, moonless night, we called the police because she was standing on the edge of the road. She then disappeared into the darkness. The police brought in their police dog to find her. The dog went in spirals and circles until he found her in the center of the cornfield. Again, it would be humorous if it weren’t indicative of the struggles in her struggling brain.
Ironically, she is now in her mid-twenties and her trauma and anxiety response has not changed. She still (symbolically) hides behind the bushes on the periphery, peering into our lives. She lives within four miles from us, ‘on the edge of our property’. She does not allow us to be part of her life. She stays where she feels protected by us, but not threatened by our bonding or closeness.
She cannot handle a relationship and wants no part of people who truly know her and love her. She will answer simple questions about her life, allowing us to quickly peer into her life in a general way. She peers into our lives via social media, other siblings, and occasional texting with me or phone call. Throughout her life, we have had many solid years of breakthroughs and growth. However, in her independence, she has regressed to the child who hid behind bushes. This is something she did for survival in Africa. She continues to live on the edge of our hearts and lives in a self-imposed partial exile. She has a live-in boyfriend and two young boys of her own.
If you’ve seen this with your child, I would love to hear your stories from time on the edge. You can email me at PhoenixBoundQuest@gmail.com
For more details on our struggles and how we managed them day to day, read Phoenix Bound.
The other day, a guy walked into my workplace whom I knew well. Our sons played soccer together for at least three years, if not more. We lived fairly close so our kids would carpool with one of us parents driving. He began to speak to me and immediately realized that he knew me or should know me. After stuttering for about fifteen seconds, he finally blurted out, “You’re Sam’s mom.”
Yes, I am Sam’s mom and awfully proud to be so, but after several years of chatting, carpooling, and sitting next to one another at the ball games, he didn’t remember my name. It does not offend me, but rather shows that we often associate people with someone else or something.
You’re Janet’s friend. You’re Joe’s neighbor. You’re the big poodle’s mom. You’re Sarah’s dad. You work at the store on the corner of fifth and Alma. You drove my bus all through high school. You drive that ’55 Chevy. You live in that big house on the hill. You’re Chet’s daughter.
But what happens when you are the parent of a child with an attachment disorder like RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder)? What happens when the child associated with you is violent, manipulative, and mean at home while being sweet and talkative in public and everyone adores her. You struggle to see the good because you are continuously enduring the cruel, hateful attitudes and behaviors at home.
It is difficult when your child is sweet and perfect in public. Rather than celebrating their good behavior in public, we become resentful. You feel like they’re making a fool out of you…and they often are. You feel powerless. When they are home, children with attachment disorder cannot and do not regulate themselves. Their emotions blow with the wind, and you are the target of all of their fury and frustrations.
It is not easy. If you were in an intimate, loving relationship with someone who was violent, manipulative, controlling and degrading, everyone around you would tell you to leave him/her. Friends offer help and emotional support. They beg you to leave for your well-being as well as your children’s well-being.
However, if it is a child or teen who treats you this way, you are expected to endure it, rise above it, see the good in them, and continue to ‘help’ them. The amount of violence, manipulation, threats, or angry outbursts does not matter.
Here are five tips to get through:
Know who you are – Love yourself, respect yourself and care about yourself so that you do not depend on someone else’s love to give you VALUE. You have value and you have something to give to the world. You have purpose.
Consider an RTC – A Residential Treatment Center of some sort or a wilderness program or if applicable, a boarding school may be in order. Stop the guilt at the door, because your child cannot continue to treat those around them with such disrespect. Your child has an attachment disorder and needs to learn how to bond, learn what attachment is with intensive attachment therapies and stop abusing you. If your child had cancer, you would not hesitate to get them the help they needed. Mental health issues should not be any different. You cannot put a price on peace. We emptied our retirement and refinanced our home twice. I do not recommend this avenue of payment, but this is how we were able to afford such care. I have also heard great things about Neurofeedback Therapy, but I have never used it.
Get exercise – Children with attachment disorders can suck the life out of you as you give and give and give, with very little positive in return. It is your job to take care of yourself and keep yourself healthy. Put yourself first as much as you can. Exercise also helps with stress. When my child needed to be watched every second of every day, I had them do Tae Bo with me or sit on the couch beside me.
Refuse to live in Guilt, Shame or Resentment – Children with trauma and attachment disorders often hurl insults and cruel words at you continuously without regard to how hurtful it is. Our child explained that she did not care who she hurt or how badly she hurt them. She was referring to physical and verbal abuse. Choose to believe in yourself and your parenting, even when you mess up. We are human and are not perfect. We are not robots. It is what you do with your mistakes that matters. Continue to improve yourself, your interactions with your child and others around you. Learn about attachment disorders and how you can improve bonding and decrease your negative reactions to their behaviors.
Be Professional – Working in an office with co-workers of all backgrounds and personality types can be a great life lesson. You are forced to be professional, even when you disagree or do not care for someone’s personality. It can be helpful to fall back on those skills when dealing with your child with an attachment disorder. Be professional. You cannot always fight with your child’s strong emotions. You cannot make them behave or listen to you. Forcing your child to allow you in their hearts and minds in order to help them is not possible. That is often the last thing that they want. Vulnerability scares them as much as bonding. Every emotion for our child with trauma and attachment disorder turned to anger. It is all our child knew due to the extensive trauma they went through. You CAN control how you react. Be professional in your dealings with your child. If a punishment is associated with their offense, say it. Do not preach about it or lecture. Do not explain why you feel this way. Believe in what you are saying and be done with it.
If you seek out professional help for your child with attachment disorder, such as a therapist, there are three things to keep in mind.
No therapist is better than a sub-par or poor therapist.
Find a therapist who is well-versed in attachment disorders such as RAD and is willing to work with you, not against you.
Talk therapy is not helpful for children/teens with attachment disorders.
Read about our struggles raising thirteen adopted children with trauma and attachment disorders in PHOENIX BOUND.
Adopting Siblings: Trauma doesn’t disappear after adoption t-shirt.
I recently answered a foster parent’s questions about the pros and cons of adopting siblings. When we first started our adoption journey, it was my dream to adopt a large sibling group. I heard of a family on the news who adopted ten children to keep their family together, and it was inspiring. I wanted the same.
We searched for children to adopt for a year and a half. There was a brick wall between the children who need to be adopted and the families who want to adopt. Since then, this brick wall has been torn down a bit by the internet, but it still exists. More needs to be done to connect those who need to be adopted and those who wish to adopt. There also needs to be more comprehensive education regarding the trauma these children struggle with.
“I would like to adopt siblings. What are the pros and cons of adopting siblings?”
Pros
Everyone knows the pros of adopting siblings. The pros of adopting siblings are as obvious as the joys of adoption. Keeping siblings together is a wonderful sentiment and ought to be the goal from the beginning. Siblings need each other and they should always have the option to be together. It just makes sense. It is not the children’s fault that their parents are incapable or unwilling to parent them properly. The children should not suffer the ultimate consequence of being separated. If kept together to grow up together, they could experience life events together and lean on each other. They could know each other and have the opportunity to have a relationship as adults. We believe this strongly and sought out the siblings to the children we had already adopted and fought for them.
Cons
Our children have complex traumas and do not understand one another or help one another through difficulties. They feed off each other and make each other worse. Our siblings were not healthy for each other. They did not help one another through difficulties, but rather helped one another dig their hole of depression, anger, and sadness; deeper. Foster/adopted children need a great deal of trauma therapies and trauma-informed professionals. We could find none in our area.
Also, our girls would gang up on us. This gang mentality was confusing for us and became scary at times. It quickly became an Us against Them situation; one we had never expected. Our daughters gave each other a ‘knowing look’ when they disagreed with us. We did not understand what that look meant, until they became much older. It was the look of Us against Them and the screaming and the anger would surely ensue.
We also noticed a lack of true bonding between our adopted siblings. In lieu of a sibling bond, they grew an unhealthy jealousy, anger, resentment, and connection with one another. It was not displayed as love or attachment, but more of an unhealthy loyalty. Our daughter displayed Reactive Attachment (RAD) and Post Traumatic Stress (PTSD) which escalated to violence and running away. It then set off her biological brother.
It was like a domino effect we did not see coming. He quickly spiraled down a hole. He had been so happy, bonded, loving, and secure in his standing in our family. It eventually led to homelessness, alcoholism, drugs, and domestic violence.
Keep in mind, the ‘danger’ of abuse between adopted siblings; physical, psychological, and sexual abuse is still very present with adopted siblings. Our family needed security cameras, door alarms, room restrictions, and locked cabinets in order to keep everyone safe. Our goal was to protect both the perpetrator, from himself, as well as the victim.
Additionally
A fellow foster parent changed the last name of her foster child. This gave the foster child the security they needed and desired, although there was no formal adoption. When a child is adopted, all support ends for the adoptive parents. All of their adopted child’s behaviors and trauma become their fault. The adoptive parent is often accused of abuse. In reality, it is the child’s trauma that led the child to act out or speak poorly of them. (Disclaimer: Not always the case. Abuse occurs and I promote subjective, thorough investigations where all evidence is looked at and not discarded.)
Consider the Facts
Recognizing and understanding the pros and cons of adopting siblings opens your eyes to the realities of adoption. It is a beautiful sentiment to want to keep siblings together. Adopting siblings is often pushed on us by the foster/adoptive system without any real thought of the overall consequences. Consider the facts and be honest with yourself and your family whether you should take on such a tremendous responsibility.
Adoption is exciting for everyone involved. It does not, however, erase the child’s trauma, nor does it erase your infertility struggles or death of a child. Trauma needs to be recognized and treated with trauma-informed adults around them. Set aside monies to take care of their mental health needs just as you would their physical needs. Research trauma therapies and therapists and find the best. Your child is worth it. A warning: Usually the best is a private pay situation, not covered by insurance.
The Rest of the Story
I have told a small amount of our story. Read the rest of our story in PHOENIX BOUND: An Adoptive Mom of 13 Shares Her Struggle Raising Traumatized Children. If you would like merchandise that reflects what I pointed out in this blog, go to www.AngieKElliston.com
Growing up I always understood that domestic abuse was wrong, and I knew red flags to avoid while dating guys. I did know one woman in an abusive relationship. It crushed me to think that this petite, kind woman was so tortured most of her adult life while raising children, first by her abusive spouse and then by the oldest boy. It could not have been easy for her. I knew, without a doubt, that if I were ever caught up in a domestic violence situation or abusive relationship, I would get out of it, no matter what it would take.
But is it ever that simple?
Not always.
Abusive people often create a small world for the abused spouse. They also threaten them, especially if they have children together. Abusive spouses are abusive, and it is not easy to get their tines out of you in order to escape and live happily ever after. That is why there are so many programs out there to help abused spouses such as www.thehotline.org which says, “Everyone deserves relationships free from domestic violence. When you’re ready, we’re here to listen with confidential support 24/7/365.”
I used to cry when I saw ads like this in public bathrooms and on TV.
But domestic violence programs do not help certain cases, nor does any government or private program. No programs help the parent of an abusive child. After coming to the house several times that same week, I have had a caring police officer tell me to ‘get rid’ of the abusive child. Sometimes, I wish it were that simple. It certainly sounded better than tolerating the abuse. I have had other naïve people ask how a parent could ever tolerate such abuse.
PARENTS ARE LEFT WITH NO CHOICE
Parents of abusive children walk on eggshells as to not trigger the child, but as anyone knows with abusers, it does no good. We have no support, understanding, compassion or resources. We are only blamed, ridiculed, and ironically, accused of abuse, especially if the child gets a scratch during an aggressive altercation. When I restrained my daughter, who was in a bulky, puffy jacket, because she was assaulting my other children, I was accused of a scratch on her arm two weeks later after she had fought handcuffs in the back of a police car for over two hours. Hmmm. Why did they bother? A scratch? She had caused an injury on me that never healed, even after twenty years and hurt my other son so badly, I felt the need to bring him to his doctor. A scratch possibly gotten during a necessary restraint; abusive?
There is enough research to know that trauma changes the brain and yet, if my child with trauma is behavioral in any way, it is our fault. We are doing something wrong or not doing something right. We are saying something wrong or not saying something right. The system is quick to accuse parents of abuse and/or neglect if they hold up the white flag.
Insurance companies do not want to pay for the appropriate long-term care and intensive therapy outside of the home that our children with trauma desperately need. Many residential treatment centers will not take our children if we choose to self-pay because of their aggression and violence, and yet, we are expected to tolerate such abuse. These places can cost anywhere between $3,000 and $15,000 a month. Our daughter was sent home from an acute care facility, psychiatric hospital, the same day she punched the nurse. Isn’t that a reason to keep her longer?
Even children who blatantly threaten to harm, kill, and rape are sent home because there is no place for them, funding is not available, or they simply expect the parent to tolerate such abuse.
OUR CHILDREN NEED HELP
Things need to change. Our children need help. Our families need support. We all need healing, especially the other children in the home who have to witness and/or endure the same abuse.
After years of abuse and begging for desperately needed help, these abusive children grow up. Several of my abusive children are now adults. As children, we could not get them help. We begged, prayed, explained, educated…even wrote a book. Our abusive children are now abusive adults with trauma. They are not abusing us anymore. They have their own families, jobs, and lives, and unfortunately, perpetuating the cycle.
Wouldn’t it be better to get them the help they need while they are young, so we do not have to perpetuate this cycle any longer? Or would it jeopardize your job if the next generation of children and adults were healthier people? My children deserved healing! Didn’t they?
Angie K Elliston and her husband have been married over 20 years. Together they have adopted from the foster care system, adoption disruption, internationally and privately. Their oldest child at adoption placement was 16 and their youngest was a newborn. They are committed to one another and the challenges of adopting children from an array of backgrounds and trauma.
