Adopting a child is a personal decision and one that should take serious thought. No one else can tell you if you should adopt or should not adopt. No one should make you feel obligated to adopt a child. People who know you well, can certainly weigh in and help with such an important decision, and those who have adopted a child can give you insight on what to expect and their thoughts based on their own experiences and education, but no one should make you feel obligated to adopt.
Many people feel obligated to adopt because their case worker:
Tells you your child has a sibling and if you are not going to adopt this child soon, they will take the child to live with siblings. Your child may not have any siblings.
Explains RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) to you and tells you that if you do not adopt this child, the child will struggle with RAD. The child probably already struggles with attachment issues such as RAD. That may be your hesitancy in the first place. You should never be guilted into adopting a child anyway. Most of the time, the same case workers explaining RAD, are not educated in RAD and know very little about it.
Threatens you that they will take the child from you if you do not adopt soon because the child is at the perfect age to be adopted and each month that goes by, makes it more difficult for them to be adopted by someone else.
Dismisses the issues that you are currently having with your child, saying that adoption will give the child security and structure, and the behaviors will decrease and probably go away. Any issues that you are having now with the foster child, you will continue to have after adoption and due to the threat of bonding and the fear of relationships, the issues will most likely increase.
Foster care and adoption is all about the money and closing cases. They are funded by the state and given incentives for adoption. That is not to say that there are not case workers who truly care about the children on their caseloads. It is, however, how the system works and is supervised.
An adoption worker or case worker can be over-zealous in getting a child adopted, especially if you have been the child’s foster parent. They might use guilt or explanations of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) to sway your decision. Do not allow anyone, especially case workers or their supervisors to coax you to quicken an adoption you are not ready for. Adoption will not decrease a child’s behaviors. It will generally increase a child’s behaviors because of their fear of stability, bonding, and relationships (basically the definition of RAD). They fear attachment and will often do whatever it takes for you to not want to be around them and will sabotage anything good that you do.
Case workers might tell you that the child will get RAD if you do not adopt. Family members might beg you to adopt, making you feel guilty that you are not willing to help family. Case workers might allude to you that behaviors go away if you adopt, because the child will feel a sense of stability. It all sounds logical and believable, but children are not that simple. Behaviors tend to worsen especially with the onset of puberty. Family members tend to meddle in your parenting when they are caught in the child’s triangulation efforts. Children are not blank slates. The trauma they have experienced may not be remembered, but their body is keeping the score and their body and brain tends to react to the trauma throughout the stages of the child’s life, especially in times of transition.
To help educate potential foster/adoptive parents, most adoption agencies offer mandated pre-adoption classes that cover various topics of adoption. My husband and I found these classes to be minimally educational and not at all helpful to us in our future adoption experiences.
If you choose to adopt, understand the risks and be open to hearing about the behaviors the child is presenting. It is best to go into a situation with your eyes wide open and have a plan before you find yourself sinking in waters you do not understand. Ask to speak to the child’s case worker, adoption worker, counselor, teacher, and foster parents. Know what you are getting into. With enough love, structure and outlets for their negative feelings, their behaviors will not dissipate. When you adopt, you are adopting their past hurts, their traumas, and their DNA. It needs to be carefully considered and not forced by anyone else.
My suggestion is this:
If you feel any hesitation….
If you do not love the child as your own…
If you are feeling pushed to adopt…
If you cannot imagine living with this child’s behaviors until they are at least 18 years old…
If you do not feel called to adopt this child…
If you are only adopting this child because…
If you feel obligated to adopt…
If the child has greater needs than you can handle…
If the child’s needs are more costly than you can afford as a family…
Then you should seriously consider not adopting this child. Do not feel obligated to adopt.
If you love the child as your own and feel you could work out any future problems, they have…
If you have researched RAD specialists and therapists, Neurofeedback and EMDR therapy, and feel that you have enough love, money, understanding, compassion, and time to get them the help they need…
If you feel called to adopt this child…
If you understand the difficulties this child presents and have researched ways to keep yourself and your family safe…
If you want to adopt this child without hesitation…
If you feel you have enough support from family, friends, and neighbors, even if things get real difficult.
If you are ready for all other support to end…
Then you can seriously consider adopting this child.
If you would like to learn more about our experiences and struggles with adoption, read Phoenix Bound. No one should make you feel obligated to adopt. Educate yourself and those around you about trauma and the adopted child.
Preparation can be the key you need to succeed. By understanding traumatized children for example, you are setting the child up for success in your adoptive home rather than a disappointment in your eyes or a failure in his own eyes. Preparation gives you the information and knowledge to make an informed decision. If after contemplating the information, you choose not to adopt, that is ok. Adoption is not for everyone. I used to think that everyone should adopt one child and there would no longer be a child anywhere that did not have a home to call their own, but after our struggles and experiences, I understand that it is more of a calling. Are you called to adopt? Perhaps this checklist will help you know the answer.
Are you familiar with typical adoptive issues such as RAD (now DTD) and PTSD? (RAD – Reactive Attachment Disorder, DTD – Developmental Trauma Disorder, PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). https://angiekelliston.com/attachment-disorder/
Choose the Country you would like to adopt from. Do your research. Hague countries have more stringent laws and policies, but it has also been a protective measure used to decrease illegal adoptions and slave situations. Pay close attention to their adoption requirements and be sure you meet them as your time fighting these requirements would be better spent adopting elsewhere.
Choose an Agency that deals professionally with this country – do your research – find an agency that has the qualities you are looking for, primarily: friendly, professional, and easy to work with especially should you have any challenges with your child. You need an agency that will not only back you up but point you in the right direction for help. Be sure you meet their requirements as well. For example, some agencies do not want to work with you if you already have five children in the home.
Choose an Attorney – Whether you are working with the County you live in or an agency or adopting privately, you will need an attorney. Find an attorney with a good reputation in Family Law/Adoption. Perhaps your agency can recommend one.
Keep in mind that no matter how tough the situation is for the biological parents/family, you cannot give them money or it would be as if you are buying the child. You should, however, offer to pay the attorney of their choice to represent them. You can also help by paying their medical fees, hotel fees or any other fees associated with giving birth to a child.
Adoption Support is important for your mental and emotional health. Find a Facebook group, church adoption group, a local foster/adoptive group, or friends you can call on who have adopted. You will have questions.
Build your adoption library. Have books that speak to adoptive children and teens. Have resource books for yourself. Take time to read them and familiarize yourself with them. https://angiekelliston.com/books/
Don’t neglect your relationship with your spouse. Stay on the same page and have each other’s backs.
Adoption Credit – is a program the government has offered in the past. It helps credit you for the expenses you paid in adopting your child including travel, hotels, adoption agency fees and legal fees. Check to see if it is still applicable to your adoption.
“Another way to be prepared is to think negatively. Yes, I’m a great optimist. but, when trying to make a decision, I often think of the worst case scenario. I call it ‘the eaten by wolves factor.’ If I do something, what’s the most terrible thing that could happen? Would I be eaten by wolves? One thing that makes it possible to be an optimist, is if you have a contingency plan for when all hell breaks loose. There are a lot of things I don’t worry about, because I have a plan in place if they do.”
Happy middle aged 60s adult in glasses posing for selfie on smartphone with adorable small child at home. Little cute kid girl recording funny mobile video with an adult or making call.
There are many reasons for people to begin thinking about adopting a child as they get older. Some have raised their biological children and feel there is something missing in their lives. Some have devoted their lives to their career and now want to experience the joys of being a parent, or there may be a specific child someone knows that they are concerned about. Whatever the reason, our hearts can often turn to the option of adoption at a slightly older age than we would have originally planned, and therefore, I have gotten the question a great deal, “Am I too old to adopt?” I hope my answer helps in your decision.
Each agency, country and organization have specific policies to regulate who they permit to adopt. Find the organization and country willing to allow you to adopt. There are also regulations based on legal offenses, age, sexual identity and family size. Beyond that, agencies can make up reasons they don’t want to work with you. It will be near impossible to fight them and in my opinion, you want to go where you are wanted, so find an agency that you can work with in a friendly manner.
The older I get, the more I realize how subjective age is. In other words, it is not the age that is the concern. It is the challenges and our ability to adapt to these challenges. For example, if you plan to adopt, you need to be prepared for the challenges as well as the potential challenges the new addition will present. If you plan to adopt a baby, you need to be willing to buy the necessary things a baby needs such as diapers and formula. You also need to be prepared for some sleepless nights, childcare and allow time for naps, but you also need to be aware that it is a long-term commitment. It will be at least eighteen years before they go off to college or leave for independence, so add eighteen years to your current age and think about whether you would like to be parenting, disciplining, and attending their athletic games or dance recitals up to that age.
Children with a great deal of trauma may take more energy to handle. Their behaviors and perception of the world is a reflection of what is going on in their hearts and can be quite taxing. Energy, patience and a strong support system is a necessity. Trauma comes in waves, being triggered by the slightest thing, and you need to stand up to it with resilience, strength and an inner peace. An exhausted adult cannot effectively handle the trauma that can attempt to destroy everything you sought to do for the child. Additionally, the adult needs to come to terms with any trauma that they have personally experienced, so as not to be triggered themselves or put their own trauma onto the child. Another consideration is finances. Money may be needed for therapies or other extraordinary needs. Everything should be talked about with your spouse, openly and honestly. Everything should be considered. There should not be a conversation that you shy away from and both of you should be on the same page. If there is a wedge between the two of you, the hurting child can and will use that to manipulate and triangulate.
Special needs children have just that, special needs. Learning what their special needs are and how you can help them is essential. The additional energy, patience and strength may be too much as years go by. Finances may be stretched, too, due to the need for specialized equipment, extra caregiving needs, or therapies. It is not a reason to decide not to adopt, but it is a consideration before making this decision.
If you do not decide to adopt, consider a different way that you can stay in this child’s life or other hurting children’s lives. The children are our future and need your wisdom, strength and perseverance. Can you read to children in a school? Can you befriend a young family or a widowed family? Can you volunteer your time to a summer camp or organization who works with troubled children? Remember that the trauma inside of a child is expressed outwardly. It is their pain that causes them to act out behaviorally. When confronted, they often do not know why they do the things they do. Perhaps your life experiences can help them see things differently.
When these children are grown up, independent and have families of their own, you will have one another left. Will it be a healthy relationship? That’s up to you, now as you make decisions together and travel on this journey called ‘Life’ together. Do not be afraid of information and considering everything.
What does an adoptive child want? I have been asked this question a great deal. A parent of biological children may think that this is a silly question with one answer: Children want to be loved. But you’d be surprised at my answer. Love isn’t my first answer. Adoptive children often come with a great deal of trauma. It is important to consider their trauma, their life experiences and how they have learned to perceive and ‘deal’ with the world around them.
WHAT DOES A CHILD WANT?: Obviously, every child is different but to answer this question as simply as possible, I think I can generalize by saying that all children want to be understood. Whether they are coming from a biological family, an adoption disruption, another country, the foster care system or from the streets, they want to be understood. Unfortunately, children from these situations may have communication barriers such as confusion, anger, cognitive or developmental disabilities/delays, audio processing difficulties, and/or a language barrier. Regardless of the difficulty, the simpler parents communicate and offer information, the better. Keep in mind that trauma often creates a barrier, and adoption, as wonderful as it is, is a trauma for these children.
Keep in mind that trauma often creates a barrier, and adoption, as wonderful as it is, is a trauma for these children.
Children want you to understand that you cannot make them someone they are not. You cannot change their personalities, their sexual orientation or their gender. I have a good friend who is in her sixties now. She was adopted as a baby but grew up knowing that her father wanted a boy, not a girl, therefore, she found herself doing things a boy would enjoy, appeasing her father and attempting to make him love her. She learned to hunt, fish and play baseball to earn his love. It’s difficult to grow up knowing that you were not enough.
To be understood trumps the desire to be loved, because people who try to understand you are putting forth effort which ultimately relays compassion and a love for that person. When we took my eight-year-old daughter, Anna, into our family, she thrived because she was understood. Her behaviors in her previous adoptive family were manipulative and showed a great deal of frustration. We slowed down her life, making it simpler, making her rules simpler and making her consequences simpler. She needed to start slower and learn this demanding American culture, our language, our expectations and us as individuals as well as us as a family.
To get deeper, children want to be loved. Some children value the Christian faith and lifestyle because of its focus on peace, love, hope, faith, compassion and forgiveness. Some children want a dog, but some are afraid of them. Some want a family where they can play football and others just want to sit and read. Some children want a rural lifestyle while others prefer the city. If you are adopting an older child, you can have a frank discussion with them. Our son, Miguel, was ten years old and made it impossible to have an honest conversation with him because he was so nervous. All he could do was spew nonsense out of his mouth. On the other hand, our eight and nine-year-old girls were very welcoming to a walk discussing real information, learning who we were and learning about what their life would be like. Our sixteen-year-old son, Kyle, especially appreciated it. We were able to sit down with him at a buffet near his foster home and discuss in detail what our expectations were as well as what our family and family-life looked like. He was at the age too, where he could make an informed decision about his future, so we wanted to know, too, if he was interested in living with our rules, expectations, and personalities. We understand that adoption greatly changes their lives and it is not as simple as focusing on our joy and excitement. Our focus was on them. It is up to the child to make an adoption work. Like any relationship, it takes work.
It also helps to keep in mind that these children have often learned to depend on themselves, and no one else. They have learned that they cannot trust adults. They want love but push your love away. They may do things to seem more unlovable to you. They may urinate in their pants or in their rooms to push you away. Understanding them, helps to deal with the onslaught of behaviors that may surprise you or even disgust you. As you know in your own life, it takes time to trust someone you do not trust. An extra amount of patience can help, but therapeutic parenting and/or therapy with an attachment (RAD) expert is often necessary.
This blog is part of the blog series I have been writing on What A Potential Adopter Needs to Know. I have spoken to several potential adopters as well as adoptive parents, and this blog series has been long desired.
Difficult people can be found in every area of our lives, but I have found that the mere mention of adoption stirs up an array of emotions due to assumptions, personal experiences. and their belief system. Writing blogs, books, posts and comments brings out those emotions in my readers, and even in those who have not read anything I have written, but comment and give book reviews based on their inner anger regrading their adoption experiences.
DIFFICULT PEOPLE: Keep in mind you are venturing into the adoption realm, a realm of heated conversations, strong opinions, various degrees of power and touchy subjects. Dealing with people can be difficult but add the previous issues, and you may find it extraordinarily difficult. Tread lightly when expressing your opinion. Everyone is coming from a different set of beliefs, expectations, experiences, intelligence and understanding. These difficult people can even be professionals like therapists, nurses, and social workers (just examples of professionals you might deal with).
Difficult people can also come in packages you do not expect. As an adoptive parent, we have been complimented a great deal for our ‘huge hearts’ and our desire to adopt so many children. Shockingly, we have been judged heavily, often by the very same people who have once complimented us. We have also been judged by people who believe our children’s lies and fabrications built around their inner struggles and made up realities. We have been judged because of the rules we tried to put in place to keep our children safe and growing. Everyone has an opinion, especially about a topic such as adoption, and they are not afraid to share it.
WHEN YOU’RE THE DIFFICULT PERSON: Parenting cannot be from fear or anger, or our own baggage or PTSD from childhood or infertility or other distractions. We need to have our head in the game and take it seriously. That does not mean you cannot adopt; it means those things should be appropriately and therapeutically dealt with before adopting because it can rear its ugly head when trying to parent a child having less than desirable behaviors and/or attitudes. For example, several of my children had fits of rage/ anger that required patience, understand, compassion, forgiveness and an inner strength that I never knew I had until bombarded with such a confrontation. A parent coming from an abusive upbringing herself, with a father who had fits of rage due to his alcoholism, may be triggered by her own adoptive child’s fits of rage. Her PTSD will be triggered, and she will put herself in danger of either abusing the child (excessive or inappropriate punishment) or furthering her PTSD in another way.
In my previous post, I mentioned things a family can do while waiting to adopt. Becoming trauma-informed and understanding more about how the brain works during times of trauma are number one. These ideas and tips can help you become prepared for the challenges of being an adoptive parent.
LANGUAGE: The words you say can help a child through their difficult moments or they can exacerbate an issue. Learn appropriate language and teach the child this language. For example, replace ‘real mom’ with biological mother or whatever seems comfortable for you both. We have had deep discussions with our children about what our role in their life is, versus the role of their previous mother(s). Keep in mind that they will have a certain level of attachments to each mother, foster mother, previous adoptive mother or otherwise even if the previous parents do not deserve it. For example, a drug addicted biological mother might get more respect than you.
HOLIDAYS: Acknowledge to your child on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day that they might be thinking a great deal of their biological parents. It would be quite natural to struggle in this area. Do not take it as a personal insult, but a natural step for them to work through. Most every problem we have run into being adoptive parents, we have been able to turn into a teaching moment of some sort. They need help processing the array of feelings – hatred, love, anger, resentment, bitterness, etc. A counselor or therapist might be a good idea if you feel you cannot handle these types of conversations. Holidays of all sorts can be difficult. Our daughters struggled during the Christmas season. What should have been a joyous season, was just another reminder of their neglect and abuse with their biological parents. One daughter always remembered getting a beautiful stereo for Christmas, only to sold for drugs a month later. It broke her heart at a very young age.
SUPPORT: Now is the time to recognize and identify who is supportive of your decision to adopt – keep in mind, this may change. This will be an ongoing challenge for you and it’s important to have a realistic perspective of the people who surround you regularly. Friends may come and go as you find yourself absorbed in different challenges and frustrations.
HAIR CARE: If you know that your child will be a different ethnicity than you are, it is important to the child that you are educated in this area. Before you get nervous and stressed out that you will have to do hair extensions and fancy braids, it may just mean that you have salons or friends that you can call on for these services and for advice on hair care products.
FIND PROFESSIONALS: This seems obvious. You will need a pediatrician or family doctor and a dentist, but you may also need or want a psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor, therapist, or neuropsychologist. You will probably want local professionals but I have traveled through several states to get to an adoption expert and specialist. It can be worth the travel, to find someone educated and experienced in child trauma and adoption.
MONEY:Prepare your finances the best that you can. Save rather than spend. Say no to the extras like Fast Food and impulse buying. If there is a choice of insurance benefits that you can carry, choose the one that includes psychiatric, counseling, and therapy. It’s better to have it than to need it and not have it available to you. Children cost money to raise, that’s no secret, but a child with trauma can stress your finances.
INTRODUCTIONS: Everything will be brand new for the adopted child. Many experts, including Dr. Ronald S Federici urge adoptive parents to stay at home with no visitors for a short time – a week or perhaps even a month. Let the child get to know you, his new surroundings, rules and expectations. Bonding with just you, enables them to view you as the parent and get to know you in that role. Slowly introduce to family members – perhaps even have them wear name tags when relatives are visiting. Do not allow family members to hug or kiss the child at first, but to shake hands or just talk to them and get to know them. It can be overwhelming for strange people to be hugging a child.
RESEARCH ADOPTION AGENCIES: Ask friends who have adopted, join adoption groups in your area either via Meetup, Facebook, through a local church (even if you are not religious this group may not be religious) or the old fashioned, word of mouth.
How easily it is to talk to the social workers, case workers, and supervisors they work with – availability, supportive, personable, ethical, turnover of workers, typical time it takes to get a child placed, matching process of child,…
What countries do they handle adoptions with?
What is their process?
How much will it cost – is there a breakdown of the fees?
RELEVANT CLASSES: Is there a class you can take to prepare you for adopting? Besides the mandatory class you may have to take required by your agency and/or state, are there any other classes you can take to help you prepare for the demands of traumatized children? Keep in mind, that even adoption is a trauma – there had to be loss, sometimes several, before the child came to you. i.e. loss of their biological parent, loss of their biological relatives, etc. even if newborn at placement because they may mourn the loss of the voice of their mother, the one of whom they listened to for nine months in the womb.
EVERYTHING WILL BE NEW: Everything is new! It’s a new culture, environment, home, family, relatives, school, commute to school, teachers, expectations, rules, chores, bed, …. Give them time to learn, adapt and accept it all. Easy on the punishments or discipline even when you feel they should know better or they will be quick to rebel, resist and resent you.
Angie K Elliston and her husband have been married over 20 years. Together they have adopted from the foster care system, adoption disruption, internationally and privately. Their oldest child at adoption placement was 16 and their youngest was a newborn. They are committed to one another and the challenges of adopting children from an array of backgrounds and trauma.
