There are times in our lives as adoptive parents that we feel completely deflated and depleted because of our children’s extreme behaviors. In the past, we have witnessed a small issue become a large issue in our children’s minds, whereby they chose to destroy their lives and future because of it; so….. we get scared. We get scared when we see our child go downhill quickly because ultimately, it’s up to them to turn it around. Most of the time, however, no matter how bad a situation looks in the moment, we can use it as a teaching moment – an opportunity to use as a lesson.
We have raised a couple of ‘opportunists’- children who continuously look for opportunities to do wrong, illegal and/or immoral things. If we lock the medicine cabinet every day, but forget to lock it one morning until noon, the child will have already noticed as if he checks it every minute of every day. If I bring my purse everywhere I go, but choose one day to leave it hidden in my room, the child will know this even if he wasn’t home when I made the decision and money will be taken. In the same way, we can be opportunists. We can be opportunists of good; and as parents, we can be opportunists of life lessons. Our children do not always have the ability to process the world around them and it’s up to us to spell it out for them. They often lack social skills, people skills, and global skills. In short, they need to be taught everything. I remember as a kid doing and saying some dumb things, because I did not know any better. With a traumatized child from a background of abuse and/or neglect, this can be much worse.
Parents don’t always say or do the right thing when under fire. I come from a long line of people who react. I have to continuously fight that tendency, but the greatest lesson I learned from our neighbor with seven children was:
“you will make mistakes but it’s what you do with them that matters.”
Everything can be a teaching moment.
The other day my 10 year old and our foster puppy broke a large window. My son was amazed that I did not get mad. I told him that I was so happy that no one was hurt that I couldn’t get mad. It spoke volumes to him about the value of stuff compared to the value of human life.
We are a Christian family and unapologetically so. We fear our older teenage son is headed for a life behind bars because he enjoys the quick money, the fast life, gangs, and the thrill of stealing. Yesterday I was furious at him for going through my room and taking the cell phones that I did not want him to have. I felt violated and I was furious at his blatant disrespect. I did what many parents would have done, for good or for bad, and I told him that I wanted them returned to me or I would make his life miserable. The next day after school, they were sitting on the table and he told me the entire truth of when and how he stole it. I stood in amazement. He has never told me the truth before, nor did I ever expect to get them both back – and I knew I had no recourse to do so.
A few minutes later, he asked, “Did you pray?” I said, “Yes.” With wide eyes, he said that every time he went to do the wrong thing that day at school, he got a bloody nose. With wider eyes, he said, “I don’t ever get bloody noses but the first time I figured it was just allergies or something but the second time I knew something was up, so I knew I had to return them to you.” I took this opportunity to remind him that I always pray for him and that we truly care about where he is headed. I said, “You didn’t come this far in life to be mediocre, nor did you come this far in life to sit behind bars or live a life of crime – God has so much more for you.”
I thank God now for stressful situations and situations that normally would look hopeless. I plan to use these times as opportunities for a much needed breakthrough. Don’t let sad times, difficult times or crazy times get you down –
Stand up above the flames, peer through the smoke and look for the opportunities!
“You will make mistakes, but it is what you do with them that matters.”
My kids (all adopted) have seen and felt trauma I cannot imagine. I grew up with two parents who never divorced. When I was in my 40’s, my mother died; a committed wife to my father. I had a stable home life with them and they helped me transition to college and then into adulthood.
Each of my 13 children have their own traumatic experiences – beginning with their early childhood trauma. Their sporadic memories form their perception of life and the world around them. Some of them have seemingly forgotten past memories and some of them have active memories of the past – but most of them have stuffed their memories and aimed them toward the most unlikely.
Often their anger is aimed at us- the last men standing – the ones who made them feel safe enough to let it all hang out – their adoptive parents.
The lesson learned: Do not take it personally.
Their verbal bullets aimed at the adoptive parents’ hearts can hurt like nothing else. Our love begins at the knowledge and dream of adopting. Their love often ends with a closeness that scares them. The reason we adopt is usually laced in compassion and love but to have that ignored and attacked is more than one can stomach.
Although the anger is aimed at us, the anger they spew comes from within – deep within. Adoptive parents make mistakes – some bigger than others – much like biological parents, but, more times than not, we aren’t the real targets. The goal is to find the root and work with the root of that anger, rather than get bogged down by the hurtful words. Adoptive parents need to have thick skin, refuse to live in guilt, and know who they are. DBT therapy, Reality therapy, therapy games, adoption journey books, and loving them through the hard times with firm discipline are some of our tactics to fight their angry bullets. (These are all mentioned in PHOENIX BOUND.)
Feel free to share what has worked for you or your children.
I never dreamt I would ever write a book. Now I have written TWO! I am excited to release my second book. I am one of 18 authors who wrote about their journey in life – a particular tragedy or struggle that they have overcome and found themselves triumphant. I pray that you are blessed as you turn the pages of this inspirational multi-authored book.
All transitions, regardless of how big or small, life-changing or minimally life-changing, scary or fun – all transitions bring back our children’s insecurities and uneasy life. We think a Disney Land trip would be fun but to an adopted child, especially newly adopted, it might be too much for them. Surprises are often met with fear of the unknown. The end of a school year and the beginning of summer relaxation and freedom can throw their balance off. They may meet their first day of summer vacation with anger and behaviors contradictory to the excitement you would expect, even if you had fun things planned.
We were excited about our two children’s first Thanksgiving after being adopted into the USA. We talked about visiting with relatives, food and fun. Without us realizing it, they turned our excitement into a fear they felt and hid in their hearts that grew larger and larger until their first Thanksgiving came. Our 5 year old son was scared that we all were going to eat so much we would die and our 3 year old son was so sick that day, he slept through it all. We had no idea, until after Thanksgiving the fears they were ‘creating’. The same children thought that New Years Day represented the end of our lives.
When one of our children we adopted from the U.S. foster care system was finalizing their adoption the following day, we were beside ourselves with excitement. We knew how much those legal documents meant to his security. He could never believe we chose to adopt him and we loved him beyond his poor decisions and actions. The night before his finalization court date, he broke down in tears. We were confused. Between tears, he told us he was afraid that the judge would change his mind. We tried hard to reassure him that all of the work was done and it was merely a formality, but what does a child of 10 years old know about formalities. He did not fully calm down until after the court date, but his insecurities remained buried deep within him.
Taking the time to explain things on a child’s level can help a great deal. It may not prevent fears but it can alleviate. Being aware of this can help build that trust an adoptive parent needs to build with their child. Don’t take things for granted. Sometimes, too, being moved from home to home in foster care or being from a third world country, our children do not know things that we assume every child knows. For example, I asked my 11 year old to open a can of vegetables for dinner one night, and from around the corner I watched him stare at the can and stare at the can-opener in confusion. We cannot assume. We cannot embarrass. We need to teach and prepare. They need information, plenty of it, and clarity. They need to be fully prepared. They need to know how to do things, what is going to happen, why, how long, where they are going, when they will return, what to bring….and so on.
And again, don’t take it personally if your child acts out behaviorally, find out the root of what is bothering them. There may be confusion and fear at the base.
Is there anything your child, biological or adopted, did not know that you assumed they did? Feel free to share.
We’ve heard it many times in Hollywood- Celine Dion was the youngest of 14 children and had very little material wealth growing up, but had love. Shania Twain grew up hungry and impoverished. Jim Carrey dropped out of high school to help the family pay their bills, working as a janitor and security job, only to have the family lose their home and live in a van. (Business Insider)
We have been inundated with stories like these but perhaps we don’t believe them or we do not believe it can happen to us. What’s the difference between these people and us? Their talent? Their fortitude? Their belief in themselves? Their faith? We’d have to dig deeper into the stories but I have seen this with my own children. My husband and I have adopted 13 children in our 22 years of marriage and have never reached perfection but we have put our heart and soul, energy and money into raising our children. We love them for who they are, not who we wish they were- but even with the positives we tried to give our children, some of them choose to see the negative or even twist the positive into negative. Is this the difference between someone who rises from the ashes to be successful and someone who treads water in life? Our attitude and perception? Upon hearing our story of adoption, many people try to put an easy label on our ‘success’ rate (I’m defining success here as the children who have stayed in touch, have a positive attitude about their adoption experience and have not gone to jail as young adults.) “It must be the age.” Outsiders have always assumed it was the age our children were adopted at-and that would be their potential. Not so. We adopted a 16 year old boy – everyone told us not to – solely based on his age. He has risen from the ashes. He has a stable marriage, 3 children and works for a living. He goes to church when he is not working and he stays in regular touch with us. Based on his many late night talks with us, he seemed to have a perception that his abusers were ‘jerks’ and his mother is too needy to nurture him and makes poor choices in her life. He also realized that we did not have to adopt him, but chose to adopt him and take care of him. On the flip side, two of our children, now adults, view adoption as the worst thing that ever happened to them. The part that makes me want to cry is that they were thrilled to be adopted at age 10, happy growing up, and knew they were loved by us. Somewhere along the line, they decided to label adoption as the root of their problems. Sad. As young children, they were horribly abused by their biological parents. As they grew up in foster care, they never felt the stability they needed to grow up happy and healthy. But as they reached adulthood, they find it hard to put the blame where it needs to be. Their perception, insight, faith, belief in themselves, attitude- is one of the victim role rather than rising from the ashes. They do not feel worthy of love or success. They do not understand what love or happiness is. Is it too late for them? Are they a lost cause? I wouldn’t be adopting if I felt they were a lost cause. I think you can learn to have a different outlook on life if you consciously make an effort to be grateful for what you have and make better choices in life. After all, it doesn’t matter what your beginning was in life, it’s the rest of it that matters-who you become. (Kung Fu Panda)
My little brother was funny! I learned to have a sense of humor in every situation. I do not always follow through with this but I try. When I had to be firm with him, I’d have to walk around the corner first and giggle, then walk back around and muster up every bit of energy I had and speak firmly to him. He did very few things out of malice but many things impulsively. It’s also important to be able to laugh at oneself. A person who has learned to laugh at themselves is a person who has truly matured. If we take life too seriously, we will have high blood pressure and ulcers. Life isn’t easy nor is it fair, so laugh!
I learned that we are all different. His brain worked differently. He had ADHD and a lot of it! He was quick to annoy others such as the principal at his elementary school, but all that got to know him and looked beyond his hyperactivity, loved him. One day, he was standing outside on our front porch steps and for no reason, he bent down, picked up a large rock, and chucked it at my father’s head. He had good aim because it hit him square in the back of his head. My sister and I just stood there in shock, expecting my father to blow. After all, anyone would. It had to have hurt. My father simply turned around in amazement and looked at the source. My little brother’s innocent look put my father at ease, and he said nothing as he walked to the garage.
I learned to love everyone for who they are rather than who I wish they were. When one of my children asked my little brother if he liked it at our house or my sister’s house best, he answered, “I like them both equally. There are things I like about Angie’s house and there are things I like about her sister’s house.” My heart melted when I heard that and he was right. As much as I secretly wanted to be the more ‘fun’ house, his answer meant more to me than he’ll ever know.
I learned that blood does not matter. My little brother was adopted at a young age into our family after I graduated college. We all loved him dearly. He was our brother. He was my parents’ son. After my little brother was killed, my other brother had gone to work. A co-worker asked him about the death in his family and said, “Yeah, but wasn’t he the adopted one?” Some people think that since they are adopted, they cannot possibly be loved to the same extent. Like Laura Schlessinger always said on her radio show, “Are you related to your spouse?” When they replied, “No.” She answered, “Well then, you can’t possibly love him.” Many adult adoptees grow up angry and bitter about being adopted, and feeling unloved and unlovable. Sadly, some of my older children feel that way. We loved them dearly. When they left our lives, it left a whole in our hearts with their names on it. I wish they could see how much they were loved. I know at one point they felt it.
I learned that this life can end in an instant. In an instant, one of us can die. It shouldn’t scare us but make us realize that whatever we believe, we had better believe it whole heartedly because death is inevitable. Mortality is still at a 100% rate. But for as long as I live, I will carry around a piece of all those that I have crossed paths with. People affect you in different ways and sometimes they will never know what they have taught us. It’s important to think about what each person who has hurt us has taught us. It helps us heal. It’s also important to remember what each person we’ve loved and lost has taught us. Now, I can finally smile when I think of my little brother! I look at what I’ve learned from him and I’m thankful for the time I had with him.
For those who have not read, Phoenix Bound yet, my little brother was hit by a car while on a bike ride. He was 9 years old. I was 30.
Angie K Elliston and her husband have been married over 20 years. Together they have adopted from the foster care system, adoption disruption, internationally and privately. Their oldest child at adoption placement was 16 and their youngest was a newborn. They are committed to one another and the challenges of adopting children from an array of backgrounds and trauma.
My kids (all adopted) have seen and felt trauma I cannot imagine. I grew up with two parents who never divorced. When I was in my 40’s, my mother died; a committed wife to my father. I had a stable home life with them and they helped me transition to college and then into adulthood.
I never dreamt I would ever write a book. Now I have written TWO! I am excited to release my second book. I am one of 18 authors who wrote about their journey in life – a particular tragedy or struggle that they have overcome and found themselves triumphant. I pray that you are blessed as you turn the pages of this inspirational multi-authored book.
All transitions, regardless of how big or small, life-changing or minimally life-changing, scary or fun – all transitions bring back our children’s insecurities and uneasy life. We think a Disney Land trip would be fun but to an adopted child, especially newly adopted, it might be too much for them. Surprises are often met with fear of the unknown. The end of a school year and the beginning of summer relaxation and freedom can throw their balance off. They may meet their first day of summer vacation with anger and behaviors contradictory to the excitement you would expect, even if you had fun things planned.
We’ve heard it many times in Hollywood- Celine Dion was the youngest of 14 children and had very little material wealth growing up, but had love. Shania Twain grew up hungry and impoverished. Jim Carrey dropped out of high school to help the family pay their bills, working as a janitor and security job, only to have the family lose their home and live in a van. (Business Insider)
My little brother was funny! I learned to have a sense of humor in every situation. I do not always follow through with this but I try. When I had to be firm with him, I’d have to walk around the corner first and giggle, then walk back around and muster up every bit of energy I had and speak firmly to him. He did very few things out of malice but many things impulsively. It’s also important to be able to laugh at oneself. A person who has learned to laugh at themselves is a person who has truly matured. If we take life too seriously, we will have high blood pressure and ulcers. Life isn’t easy nor is it fair, so laugh!
