Growing up I always understood that domestic abuse was wrong, and I knew red flags to avoid while dating guys. I did know one woman in an abusive relationship. It crushed me to think that this petite, kind woman was so tortured most of her adult life while raising children, first by her abusive spouse and then by the oldest boy. It could not have been easy for her. I knew, without a doubt, that if I were ever caught up in a domestic violence situation or abusive relationship, I would get out of it, no matter what it would take.
But is it ever that simple?
Not always.
Abusive people often create a small world for the abused spouse. They also threaten them, especially if they have children together. Abusive spouses are abusive, and it is not easy to get their tines out of you in order to escape and live happily ever after. That is why there are so many programs out there to help abused spouses such as www.thehotline.org which says, “Everyone deserves relationships free from domestic violence. When you’re ready, we’re here to listen with confidential support 24/7/365.”
I used to cry when I saw ads like this in public bathrooms and on TV.
But domestic violence programs do not help certain cases, nor does any government or private program. No programs help the parent of an abusive child. After coming to the house several times that same week, I have had a caring police officer tell me to ‘get rid’ of the abusive child. Sometimes, I wish it were that simple. It certainly sounded better than tolerating the abuse. I have had other naïve people ask how a parent could ever tolerate such abuse.
PARENTS ARE LEFT WITH NO CHOICE
Parents of abusive children walk on eggshells as to not trigger the child, but as anyone knows with abusers, it does no good. We have no support, understanding, compassion or resources. We are only blamed, ridiculed, and ironically, accused of abuse, especially if the child gets a scratch during an aggressive altercation. When I restrained my daughter, who was in a bulky, puffy jacket, because she was assaulting my other children, I was accused of a scratch on her arm two weeks later after she had fought handcuffs in the back of a police car for over two hours. Hmmm. Why did they bother? A scratch? She had caused an injury on me that never healed, even after twenty years and hurt my other son so badly, I felt the need to bring him to his doctor. A scratch possibly gotten during a necessary restraint; abusive?
There is enough research to know that trauma changes the brain and yet, if my child with trauma is behavioral in any way, it is our fault. We are doing something wrong or not doing something right. We are saying something wrong or not saying something right. The system is quick to accuse parents of abuse and/or neglect if they hold up the white flag.
Insurance companies do not want to pay for the appropriate long-term care and intensive therapy outside of the home that our children with trauma desperately need. Many residential treatment centers will not take our children if we choose to self-pay because of their aggression and violence, and yet, we are expected to tolerate such abuse. These places can cost anywhere between $3,000 and $15,000 a month. Our daughter was sent home from an acute care facility, psychiatric hospital, the same day she punched the nurse. Isn’t that a reason to keep her longer?
Even children who blatantly threaten to harm, kill, and rape are sent home because there is no place for them, funding is not available, or they simply expect the parent to tolerate such abuse.
OUR CHILDREN NEED HELP
Things need to change. Our children need help. Our families need support. We all need healing, especially the other children in the home who have to witness and/or endure the same abuse.
After years of abuse and begging for desperately needed help, these abusive children grow up. Several of my abusive children are now adults. As children, we could not get them help. We begged, prayed, explained, educated…even wrote a book. Our abusive children are now abusive adults with trauma. They are not abusing us anymore. They have their own families, jobs, and lives, and unfortunately, perpetuating the cycle.
Wouldn’t it be better to get them the help they need while they are young, so we do not have to perpetuate this cycle any longer? Or would it jeopardize your job if the next generation of children and adults were healthier people? My children deserved healing! Didn’t they?
