I have always viewed Adoption as the day my child walks through my doors with the intent to live with us. In my eyes, they are adopted when they enter. I do not judge you if you view it as more of a trial period, to see if it is a good match for your family and the child, for it is wise to see it this way. You want to be sure that you and your new child can be happy together. After all, adoption is forever.
Ten tips that may help you immediately after a child walks through your doors:
MOVE IN DAY: We have always tried to have their rooms ready for arrival. The furniture is placed nicely, the bed is made, everything is clean, and a small, sentimental gift is placed on the pillowcase. We also, attempt to put all their belongings away as soon as they arrive. We have done it together with the child. Their clothes can be put away and their toys or memorabilia can be placed nicely wherever you have for them. This makes them part of the family and ready to adjust without feeling more like an outsider than they already do.
GIFTS: Keep gifts at a minimum. Strive for memorable gifts that they might keep forever to remind them of this day. I will have several options in my shop on my website if you are looking for ideas or a specific gift.
SHARING A BEDROOM: If you can, give your new child a bedroom of their own. Many foster/adoptive children have been sexually abused and may act out when alone in a bedroom with another child. If you cannot, consider a rule that the bedroom door needs to remain open and changing clothes takes place in the bathroom. Being prepared and understanding of the potential issues if important to keep everyone safe. It is not to scare you or make you paranoid, just aware. We have a security camera facing the bedroom doors of our children. This keeps everyone safe.
HONEYMOON: Your child, like yourself, may have what is known as a Honeymoon Period. This means that they will be on their best behavior. It can last a day, or it can last a year, but eventually, when real life hits, their true personalities will shine through. Be sure to be yourself and have expectations as you would have for them as time goes on.
MEETING: Have a meeting to discuss expectations, rules, and punishments. They may have moved several times in their lives and each house has their own expectations. Do not wait until they have crossed some sort of line that you disapprove of. Let them know ahead of time what you are expecting of them. With the exception of babies, even young children can understand these meetings if you talk on their level and with compassion.
EXPECTATIONS: Even though you have had a meeting about the expectations, rules, and punishments that they can expect, do not expect them to get it all in one sitting. Give them time to learn your way of doing things. Be easy on them, but willing to correct them, with an understanding that this is all new to them. Do not be quick to dole out a punishment but be firm. You do not want to come across as a weak parent, but an understanding one.
VISITORS: Everyone wants to meet your new addition to your family. That is quite normal and a good sign that your family and friends are willing to support you and the child in your choice to adopt. However, think of it from your child’s perspective. Too many people, too quickly can be scary and confusing. If you can, keep the child home for a while, maybe a couple of months or more before meeting anyone new. I know this sounds extreme, but it will help with the bonding, help with understanding your expectations before learning your friends and relatives’ expectations, and help them learn people’s names and relations a bit more slowly. He is not a zoo animal to be looked at through a glass and admired.
TIME-OUT: Many children cannot self-regulate when they are stressed or angry. We do not use Time-Outs. We use Time-Ins. This means that your child will need to be close by you for a specified amount of time. It is more of a teaching tool, than a punishment. As parents, we want to teach them skills. By being near a regulated person, doing regular tasks, they can regulate. They feed off you, so to speak. Time-Outs signify more rejection and frankly, give them an opportunity alone, to do something else that makes you angry, such as destroy something in their room.
BIG EVENTS: Stay away from large department stores, carnivals, and amusement parks. Obviously, use your own discretion, but keep in mind the amount of stimulation that these places force on your child. I always said that my children turn into mutants at a store. Vacations and large shopping trips can trigger children with attachment issues, trauma, and loss, which includes just about every foster/adoptive child. Our three-year-old son had a huge fit in the middle of an electronics store. The TV’s alone were just too numerous and too much stimulation for him. We should have known better, but we were not thinking of it that way. We had to fight him to sit in his car seat, listen to his high pitched screaming all the way home and watch him stubbornly sit for hours until he could regulate himself enough to apologize to everyone.
