Our children struggle in many areas due to their excessive trauma and anxiety. They regularly exhibit the four types of trauma responses in unhealthy ways: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn. They seemed to live on the edge, waiting for the simplest thing to set them off.
Rebekkah was no exception. She lived on the edge and her triggers were random, numerous, and unpredictable. Her Fight trauma responses consisted of violent tantrums, hitting her head, drooling, spitting, vomiting, and cussing. She would also pace, break things, kick others, punch, and growl Her eyes changed to a black, piercing, beady look.
Other times she would stand mute in one spot, Freeze, for countless hours. She refused to speak, eat, go to the bathroom, or respond in any way to anything we said or did. She had no affect and did not react to any stimuli.
Combining these trauma and anxiety responses was common. For example, she often began with the Freeze response for a day and go into a Flight response without warning. She refused help and most therapy and seemed to get little out of anything she did agree to. Interestingly, her Flight response did not bring her far. Most of the time, we would spot her on the edge of our property, peering out occasionally, hiding behind bushes. We would see her run from one bush to another. She always kept the house within sight and earshot. It would have been humorous to watch her bobbing head go up and down if it weren’t so sad.
One very dark, moonless night, we called the police because she was standing on the edge of the road. She then disappeared into the darkness. The police brought in their police dog to find her. The dog went in spirals and circles until he found her in the center of the cornfield. Again, it would be humorous if it weren’t indicative of the struggles in her struggling brain.
Ironically, she is now in her mid-twenties and her trauma and anxiety response has not changed. She still (symbolically) hides behind the bushes on the periphery, peering into our lives. She lives within four miles from us, ‘on the edge of our property’. She does not allow us to be part of her life. She stays where she feels protected by us, but not threatened by our bonding or closeness.
She cannot handle a relationship and wants no part of people who truly know her and love her. She will answer simple questions about her life, allowing us to quickly peer into her life in a general way. She peers into our lives via social media, other siblings, and occasional texting with me or phone call. Throughout her life, we have had many solid years of breakthroughs and growth. However, in her independence, she has regressed to the child who hid behind bushes. This is something she did for survival in Africa. She continues to live on the edge of our hearts and lives in a self-imposed partial exile. She has a live-in boyfriend and two young boys of her own.
If you’ve seen this with your child, I would love to hear your stories from time on the edge. You can email me at PhoenixBoundQuest@gmail.com
For more details on our struggles and how we managed them day to day, read Phoenix Bound.
