Waiting to finish the steps to adopt or waiting for a match can be excruciatingly painful. The desire to be a parent is a strong one, but there are some things you can do to not only kill time, but be better prepared as an adoptive parent. Here is a partial list.
READ, READ, READ: Don’t be afraid to read the ‘tough’ books – you know, the books that say what you don’t want to know – the books that address difficult behaviors, bonding, trauma, and Nature vs Nurture controversy. Reactive Attachment Disorder is prevalent in the adoption community and is well worth your research.
BUILD YOUR LIBRARY: Build a library of adoption books – children’s books, self-help and parenting books will help to have on hand when necessary. I will be offering an Adoption Journey Book as a ‘Baby Book’ for older adoptive children who are already out of the baby stage.
ENJOY LIFE: As you can imagine, children change your life tremendously. Take advantage of the opportunity to be free from such responsibilities and do things to keep yourself busy – organize your home, travel, visit far away relatives, take a college course, develop your business, read, or do something that will not only pass the time away, but will relieve the stress of the ‘waiting’ process. If I had to do it again, I would have researched treatments for children with trauma such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy), EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) otherwise known as Tapping Therapy, CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), and Neurofeedback Therapy and taken courses to be certified or better informed. This would have helped me not only handle my children’s trauma appropriately, but help give them an avenue for healing.
LOVE THE ONE YOU’RE WITH: Work on your relationship with your spouse or significant other. It is imperative that you parent together, in unity, with respect for one another. In other words, you need to be on the same page. I encourage couples to make a verbal and/or written pact that no matter what the children do or say, you will not be torn apart, but only drawn together closer. I will offer a free download on my website, as this is vital to a healthy relationship. Be aware that some children have learned to triangulate and manipulate those around them. For example, they will give the primary caretaker a difficult time and treat the other parent with the utmost respect and love. If the latter parent does not believe and support the primary caretaker (often the mother), it can create disagreements and a great deal of hostility. Mothers also tend to be the target because an adoptive child might see you as replacing his/her ‘real’ mother. Help the child work through this confusing time and acknowledge the biological parents in your conversations when it seems appropriate, especially on days that remind them of their biological parents, such as Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.
READY OR NOT?: Getting out of high school was liberating. We all remember that feeling of ‘finally being able to do what we want.’ Of course, then real life hits us like a brick and we realize why our parents never felt such freedom. Freedom is subjective. Many of our classmates chose not to have children because they wanted to experience that freedom – the ability to go where they want, do what they want, travel, save, build a career. They didn’t want children to weigh them down.
From my experience, children are not always the blessing people say they are and nor are they a weight to consider a burden. They are somewhere in the middle. They are a weighty blessing. They are a responsibility that we must not take lightly whether we choose to have biological children, or we choose to adopt.
Adoption is not the same as having your own. Let’s face it, you do not have to fill out scrolls of papers, hire an attorney and have a home study done in order to get pregnant and give birth to a baby. Adoption is something that you seek out and strive for. At times, the red tape and politics of it all can seem daunting. For example, there are thousands of children freed for adoption, but it seems to take forever to find a child. My husband and I had no preference on gender, age, race, ethnicity, emotional stability or number of siblings and yet, it took a year and a half to find two boys freed for adoption. I’d say that there needs more of a collaborative system to get these children out from behind the curtain, but there have been many attempts and organizations that have taken on that challenge especially with the use of new technologies such as the internet.
It is a system that needs revamping nonetheless, but if you are willing to ride the rapids, these children need forever families. This brings me to the point, are you ready to adopt? Things that can hold you back are numerous and not worth listing. The reasons are usually personal in nature or simply fear based. The unknown always carries fear with it, even in exciting ventures such as adoption.
Adoptive children do not want to be the Second Choice. They want to know that they were and are, wanted. Knowing this, you still may have a difficult time helping them feel wanted and worthy of your love, as they may have been rejected more times in their lives than you can count on one hand. That being said, if there are any issues that remain undealt with, it will come to the surface, and the child will either feed on them in order to manipulate you or will use them as a reason to feel unloved. For example, if there are infertility issues, healing is important for many reasons. And another example, if your little boy died, there needs to be healing, because this child will never be able to fit into the shoes of your little boy the way you want him to. Additionally, if you are adopting a child to be a playmate to your child, be prepared for the children to not get along and not have the same bond you might have wanted or expected. In other words, be careful of your expectations. These children are coming from loss, rejection, abusive and/or neglectful situations or death of parents, numerous placements, and many other difficult situations. These children are going to need your support, understanding and consistent discipline, not your pain and unrealistic expectations.
These children are going to need your support, understanding and consistent discipline, not your pain and unrealistic expectations.
The decision to adopt is a personal one. No one can make that decision for you. In my case, adoption was my first choice. I never wanted a biological child and considered it only for a fleeting moment when my doctor told me that it was ‘now or never’ as I was getting older. We all have our journeys that bring us to the thoughts of adoption. Interestingly, if you begin telling others of your decision to adopt, you will get many conflicting opinions on whether or not you are ready or whether or not you should adopt, but it is a personal choice, to be made by yourself and/or your significant other or spouse. As much as I was certain I wanted to adopt and it became our life’s choice, people still felt the need to tell me that I have enough children and should not consider adopting again. I am not sure why people felt like it was their place, as I never asked for any help or sought out government aid or anything else that may have made them feel as if it was their business, but everyone has an opinion and many choose to share it. Much like an author weeding through feedback, weigh the unsolicited advice and either consider it or throw it out, based on its weightiness.
