What does an adoptive child want? I have been asked this question a great deal. A parent of biological children may think that this is a silly question with one answer: Children want to be loved. But you’d be surprised at my answer. Love isn’t my first answer. Adoptive children often come with a great deal of trauma. It is important to consider their trauma, their life experiences and how they have learned to perceive and ‘deal’ with the world around them.
WHAT DOES A CHILD WANT?: Obviously, every child is different but to answer this question as simply as possible, I think I can generalize by saying that all children want to be understood. Whether they are coming from a biological family, an adoption disruption, another country, the foster care system or from the streets, they want to be understood. Unfortunately, children from these situations may have communication barriers such as confusion, anger, cognitive or developmental disabilities/delays, audio processing difficulties, and/or a language barrier. Regardless of the difficulty, the simpler parents communicate and offer information, the better. Keep in mind that trauma often creates a barrier, and adoption, as wonderful as it is, is a trauma for these children.
Keep in mind that trauma often creates a barrier, and adoption, as wonderful as it is, is a trauma for these children.
Children want you to understand that you cannot make them someone they are not. You cannot change their personalities, their sexual orientation or their gender. I have a good friend who is in her sixties now. She was adopted as a baby but grew up knowing that her father wanted a boy, not a girl, therefore, she found herself doing things a boy would enjoy, appeasing her father and attempting to make him love her. She learned to hunt, fish and play baseball to earn his love. It’s difficult to grow up knowing that you were not enough.
To be understood trumps the desire to be loved, because people who try to understand you are putting forth effort which ultimately relays compassion and a love for that person. When we took my eight-year-old daughter, Anna, into our family, she thrived because she was understood. Her behaviors in her previous adoptive family were manipulative and showed a great deal of frustration. We slowed down her life, making it simpler, making her rules simpler and making her consequences simpler. She needed to start slower and learn this demanding American culture, our language, our expectations and us as individuals as well as us as a family.
To get deeper, children want to be loved. Some children value the Christian faith and lifestyle because of its focus on peace, love, hope, faith, compassion and forgiveness. Some children want a dog, but some are afraid of them. Some want a family where they can play football and others just want to sit and read. Some children want a rural lifestyle while others prefer the city. If you are adopting an older child, you can have a frank discussion with them. Our son, Miguel, was ten years old and made it impossible to have an honest conversation with him because he was so nervous. All he could do was spew nonsense out of his mouth. On the other hand, our eight and nine-year-old girls were very welcoming to a walk discussing real information, learning who we were and learning about what their life would be like. Our sixteen-year-old son, Kyle, especially appreciated it. We were able to sit down with him at a buffet near his foster home and discuss in detail what our expectations were as well as what our family and family-life looked like. He was at the age too, where he could make an informed decision about his future, so we wanted to know, too, if he was interested in living with our rules, expectations, and personalities. We understand that adoption greatly changes their lives and it is not as simple as focusing on our joy and excitement. Our focus was on them. It is up to the child to make an adoption work. Like any relationship, it takes work.
It also helps to keep in mind that these children have often learned to depend on themselves, and no one else. They have learned that they cannot trust adults. They want love but push your love away. They may do things to seem more unlovable to you. They may urinate in their pants or in their rooms to push you away. Understanding them, helps to deal with the onslaught of behaviors that may surprise you or even disgust you. As you know in your own life, it takes time to trust someone you do not trust. An extra amount of patience can help, but therapeutic parenting and/or therapy with an attachment (RAD) expert is often necessary.
