Me:This university has criminology. (Our son is interested in Exercise Science). You could be top of your class in criminology since you have lived with so many criminals.
Son: Hmmm. (His typical reply to anything I say). (He is a man of few words. However, I have determined what each Hmm sounds like and their meaning.)
Husband/Father: Yeah, and he can bring Josh (our 21-year-old son who has chosen a life of crime) in for Show and Tell.
Me: (Busting out in laughter)
Son: Smirking, trying not to smile.
Husband/Father: He (son) does not even know what Show and Tell is. It is a joke for older people.
Me: (Still busting out in laughter! Cannot stop now.)
Husband/Father: Either laugh or cry.
Anyone who has lived this life (raising children with trauma) would probably enjoy this dialogue. We have all learned that this stress can and will destroy you from the inside out. Having the ability and desire to see the humor in everything is vital to our survival.
God gave us emotions, but some emotion is not what God wants us to dwell in. It is simply not healthy. After raising thirteen children, for example, I can look back on many situations where I could have done better, but I refuse to look back with regret, guilt, shame or unforgiveness for myself. Too many of us dwell in these emotions as if soaking in a bath of guilt. I refuse to. I will not allow these emotions to seep into my being. I am human. I do the best I can, with what I have, at that moment in time. I am grateful for my experiences, both good and bad.
Comedians are funniest when their jokes are relatable. They target their jokes to the audience they are addressing. They turn our greatest frustrations, fears, and even sources of anger into a laughable situation.
Laughter is known to be the best medicine. Laughter is known to create endorphins, ease stress and anxiety, boost the immune system, and protect the heart, along with many other benefits.
Our lives get so messy and our brains struggle to make sense of it all. Our children have had a great deal of trauma. They often smile at you when you are seething with anger. They cannot make sense of their emotions or actions. They do not know why they do the things they do. We certainly cannot make sense out of it. A good friend of mine always said, “Do not try to make sense out of nonsense.” This is where I have used my faith in Jesus. I have given Him the burdens I cannot carry, leaving me more time and space to laugh and recognize His beauty.
What helps you? Is it a healthy alternative? Are you able to find the humor in most situations?
The Barenaked Ladies sing a line in their song, One Week, that says “I’m the kind of guy who laughs at funerals.” I can relate. I have laughed at funerals, several of them, but not as a disrespect or lack of love for the deceased for I have loved them dearly. I simply found a ‘peace’ of humor that transported me from a place of anger and sadness to a place of laughter.
Find humor in your day today. Find humor in your day tomorrow. Make it a habit. Make it a decision.
Renaming an adopted child should be thought through carefully.
For expecting parents, names can hold a deep meaning and an exciting new endeavor. They often pour over family names, the meaning of names, and new, creative names. It can also be stressful and frustrating.
As adoptive parents, our children come to us already named and often older than the typical age that you would consider naming a child. So, what do you do? Should you rename your child?
Here are some things to consider:
A Mother’s Gift: Your child’s name is the only thing their birth mother could give them. This is something that I keep in mind, but it does not always dictate my decision. My heart goes out to the parents who have given birth to these babies, desiring to love them, but simply not having the resources or wherewithal to follow through.
A Pulchritudinous Name: Is it a name the child can pronounce? It may be a beautiful name, but every time the child struggles to say their own name or spell their own name, it comes out wrong. I am not necessarily talking about a three-year-old learning to read and write. Many children coming from impoverished homes may struggle with speech delays, cognitive delays, or learning disabilities that can create a permanent barrier for them to pronounce their own name. These issues may not be as fixable as simply maturing or learning.
Shia Ting: Is it appropriate for your culture? No matter how you try to say this Chinese name in our English culture, it comes out as “Shi-tting.” Do I need to say more?
Dolion or Anwir: Is the name appropriate for the child? Dolion means Liar in Greek. Anwir means Liar in English. It does not seem appropriate to name a child a Liar even if they do struggle with lying. It does not give them much of a chance for change or much of a chance at life.
Camouflage: Do you plan to give the child a new name to cover up something? We have known several adoptive parents who have chosen to rename their older child to symbolize a ‘new beginning’ for the child. There are three things to seriously consider before you do:
The child’s brain is not set up like a chalkboard. The trauma, memories, experiences, and difficulties are not going to go away with a new name.
The child’s personality and struggles are not going to go away with a new name. Camouflaging who they really are with a new name does not change who they are on the inside.
It may simply be too much newness for the child to get a new family, a new dog, a new house, new relatives, new surroundings, new siblings, AND a new name.
An Ex: Do you really hate your child’s current name? Maybe there was an abusive boyfriend or a bully in school or even someone who molested you as a child, with the same name as your adopted child. Of course, in some cases, there is no reason for not liking a name, except that you just do not like the name. You have four choices: Learn to love them beyond their name, learn to love the name, give them a meaningful nickname, or give them a new name.
Just Like Auntie: Is renaming important to you because you would like your child to emulate a family member? Although that is nice, it may be too much pressure for the adopted child to be ‘just like auntie.’ It is something to consider.
Middle Name: I feel like middle names can be changed more readily than first names, with little to no thought. Some children come with no middle name and it is simple to add a middle name at the time of adoption. For our children, we wanted to keep their African heritage by putting their African last name as their new middle name with our last name. The above considerations can be used for deciding whether to keep their given middle name or choose a different middle name, but since a child does not identify with the middle name, it is an easier decision. We have left it the same, changed it to a family name, used their last name, and changed it completely.
Child’s Opinion: If the child is old enough to have a valid opinion, it should be considered. Listen to their reasoning and thoughts. For example, if the child is the one pushing for a name change, maybe the reason for it, just does not make sense or is not a good reason to change their name.
Safety concerns: A child can come from an abusive situation where the parent threatens to find them. If the child has an extremely unique name or a yuneak spelling of that name, it may be a good idea to change it. For more common names, keep in mind that the child will be changing their last name to yours as well their social security number, address, and birth certificate. They will keep their birthdates. Reading this, you may be more insistent on changing the child’s name. It may be wise in your child’s situation.
He/She: Naming a child a unisex name because you wish the child were of the opposite sex, does not change who they were born to be. If you wanted a boy, but adopted a girl, there is a more important issue – your heart and mind. You need to deal appropriately with the fact that you do not have the boy you always wanted. You cannot expect the girl to act like or talk like or be like the boy you always wanted. It is imperative that you work this out within yourself or it will reflect largely in the confidence and self-image of your child. Whether spoken or unspoken, children know when they are not appreciated for who they are. Children know when they are not wanted.
These are all things to consider. I am no expert in names, but this is a list compiled from our experiences as well as our friends’ experiences. I hope this helps in deciding whether to change a name or keep a given name.
When we adopted a baby, we picked him up at the hospital with the biological mother’s approval. The intention was for us to adopt him, but even in these cases, the biological mother is told to choose a name. She had already agreed that the name we chose was perfect, but when told to choose a name, she named him after the biological father. Although I felt that it was odd and maybe even an omen that she would then decide to take him back, there was nothing I could do about the name she chose. When the adoption finalized six months later, we changed his name back to the one we had originally chosen for him. I tell you this because, at that time, I did not know that biological mothers always choose their own name for the child, even if their intention is an adoptive family to adopt. The list above does not pertain to this type of adoption nearly as much as the adoption of an older child, ages two to eighteen.
Adoption is a time of joy, but it is also a time of loss for the child. To be adopted, the child must lose someone and/or something. Let us not add his name to this list unless you have considered the above. They are not reasons to NOT RENAME, but they are considerations to ponder and talk over.
I have always viewed Adoption as the day my child walks through my doors with the intent to live with us. In my eyes, they are adopted when they enter. I do not judge you if you view it as more of a trial period, to see if it is a good match for your family and the child, for it is wise to see it this way. You want to be sure that you and your new child can be happy together. After all, adoption is forever.
Tentips that may help you immediately after a child walks through your doors:
MOVE IN DAY: We have always tried to have their rooms ready for arrival. The furniture is placed nicely, the bed is made, everything is clean, and a small, sentimental gift is placed on the pillowcase. We also, attempt to put all their belongings away as soon as they arrive. We have done it together with the child. Their clothes can be put away and their toys or memorabilia can be placed nicely wherever you have for them. This makes them part of the family and ready to adjust without feeling more like an outsider than they already do.
GIFTS: Keep gifts at a minimum. Strive for memorable gifts that they might keep forever to remind them of this day. I will have several options in my shop on my website if you are looking for ideas or a specific gift.
SHARING A BEDROOM: If you can, give your new child a bedroom of their own. Many foster/adoptive children have been sexually abused and may act out when alone in a bedroom with another child. If you cannot, consider a rule that the bedroom door needs to remain open and changing clothes takes place in the bathroom. Being prepared and understanding of the potential issues if important to keep everyone safe. It is not to scare you or make you paranoid, just aware. We have a security camera facing the bedroom doors of our children. This keeps everyone safe.
HONEYMOON: Your child, like yourself, may have what is known as a Honeymoon Period. This means that they will be on their best behavior. It can last a day, or it can last a year, but eventually, when real life hits, their true personalities will shine through. Be sure to be yourself and have expectations as you would have for them as time goes on.
MEETING: Have a meeting to discuss expectations, rules, and punishments. They may have moved several times in their lives and each house has their own expectations. Do not wait until they have crossed some sort of line that you disapprove of. Let them know ahead of time what you are expecting of them. With the exception of babies, even young children can understand these meetings if you talk on their level and with compassion.
EXPECTATIONS: Even though you have had a meeting about the expectations, rules, and punishments that they can expect, do not expect them to get it all in one sitting. Give them time to learn your way of doing things. Be easy on them, but willing to correct them, with an understanding that this is all new to them. Do not be quick to dole out a punishment but be firm. You do not want to come across as a weak parent, but an understanding one.
VISITORS: Everyone wants to meet your new addition to your family. That is quite normal and a good sign that your family and friends are willing to support you and the child in your choice to adopt. However, think of it from your child’s perspective. Too many people, too quickly can be scary and confusing. If you can, keep the child home for a while, maybe a couple of months or more before meeting anyone new. I know this sounds extreme, but it will help with the bonding, help with understanding your expectations before learning your friends and relatives’ expectations, and help them learn people’s names and relations a bit more slowly. He is not a zoo animal to be looked at through a glass and admired.
TIME-OUT: Many children cannot self-regulate when they are stressed or angry. We do not use Time-Outs. We use Time-Ins. This means that your child will need to be close by you for a specified amount of time. It is more of a teaching tool, than a punishment. As parents, we want to teach them skills. By being near a regulated person, doing regular tasks, they can regulate. They feed off you, so to speak. Time-Outs signify more rejection and frankly, give them an opportunity alone, to do something else that makes you angry, such as destroy something in their room.
BIG EVENTS: Stay away from large department stores, carnivals, and amusement parks. Obviously, use your own discretion, but keep in mind the amount of stimulation that these places force on your child. I always said that my children turn into mutants at a store. Vacations and large shopping trips can trigger children with attachment issues, trauma, and loss, which includes just about every foster/adoptive child. Our three-year-old son had a huge fit in the middle of an electronics store. The TV’s alone were just too numerous and too much stimulation for him. We should have known better, but we were not thinking of it that way. We had to fight him to sit in his car seat, listen to his high pitched screaming all the way home and watch him stubbornly sit for hours until he could regulate himself enough to apologize to everyone.
Homeschooling is a choice of many families for a variety of reasons, ranging from religious beliefs and morals to simply wanting what it best for their child’s needs. The Pandemic has created another reason to Homeschool. Some have been forced into what is being known as Crisis Schooling because the school systems have closed, the future is unknown, and many families are left scared – scared of the dangers that the Pandemic have to offer.
I have Homeschooled thirteen adopted children, not necessarily from Kindergarten to High School. Some of our children we adopted at older ages. Some of our children have gone to Public High School, some to Private High School, and some Homeschooled throughout High School. We have tried to do what was best for each of our children, given their individual needs, our options at the time, and our personal desires. I have Homeschooled for over twenty years and wanted to share what I have learned, for those, uncertain of what they will be choosing for their child.
To begin with, I have not Homeschooled the typical child, brought up in a two-parent family, in a stable home, except for our newborn, but even he, struggles with ADHD. My focus is homeschooling children from difficult situations.
#1 THEIR TRANSITION YEAR: The first year in your home is useless as far as learning and retaining new information. I would suggest keeping it light, fun, and playing a lot of therapeutic games such as the Talking, Feeling, Doing game or story cubes. I also love things like Mad Libs to learn grammar skills such as parts of speech. Sequential Spelling is simple and gives quick feedback. Reading books together, even if they are historical in nature such as the I Survived Series or more non-fictional such as a missionary series written by Janet and Geoff Benge, provides sitting closely, cuddling and answering questions as they arise from interested children. My most traumatized children would talk of horrendous things that they went through as youngsters, during grammar class. Perhaps it was low-key enough for them to open their minds and remember things that they normally would have suppressed. I do not know, but I think it was good for them and me, as well.
None of our children could read well. We had to start from the beginning with every child due to their past schooling situations but seeing the progress and watching them learn to enjoy reading made it all worthwhile. Pay attention to the small steps and do not be as concerned with the larger steps. They will come.
#2 CHANGE CURRICULUM AS NEEDED: Do not stick to a book or a way of doing things, just because you bought it. There are many opportunities to buy cheaper products and/or sell what you have bought. This is one of my biggest mistakes. I relied on my children to tell me the truth about what they thought of curriculum we were using, but they would not tell me when it was too difficult. Instead, they would find ways to cheat. Yes, they will cheat, even in a home setting. So, take cues and keep it lively and real.
#3 FIND RESOURCES AVAILABLE TO YOU: Outsource where you feel comfortable. Our homeschool resources have included co-ops, P.E. classes, ice skating lessons, live online classes, recorded online classes, retired Spanish teachers, YouTube videos, library programs, library books, and field trips such as museums, theaters, and symphonies. There are many different community resources that you can tap into to make it not only bearable, but lively.
#4 CHASE THE WIND: Do not be afraid to ‘chase the wind.’ When you are learning something new and it brings up questions – do not be afraid to stop what you are doing and research for the answer. If you feel compelled to continue what you are studying, write down the question for later or the following day. When a child is interested enough to ask questions, they are more likely to learn the material when it is presented to them. Finding answers, after all, is much of what you learn to do in college. I had to write a twenty-page paper my first year of college on a specific painting. After I got over the shock of the assignment, I got to work researching and enjoying what I learned. Much to my surprise, I was able to fill the twenty pages.
#5 DO YOUR BEST AND DO NOT SECOND GUESS: You will have plenty of time to doubt yourself and doubt that your child is learning and wonder if you are doing more harm than good. I would not bother with such thoughts. Undoubtedly, every January and May are the worst for these thoughts to creep in. There is no one on this face of the Earth, who loves your child and understands your child, as much as you. Join FB or local groups to help you solidify your commitment to your decision to homeschool. Research and learn curriculum available. Attend conferences. Enjoy watching your children grow and enjoy the moments they finally understand a concept you have been plugging away at. Homeschooling allows the student to learn at their own pace, so it is not uncommon for a child to be ahead of their grade/age level in one class and behind in another class. Relax and allow your student to learn, rather than being shoved facts to move onto the next grade.
#6 HOMESCHOOLING IS A LIFESTYLE: There is no real beginning or end to a homeschool day. For years, I began our school day at 9am and ended at 3pm. This works for many people. But the fact of the matter is, homeschooling does not really end. Making dinner, shopping for dinner, chores, caring for foster puppies, taking care of a pet, making paper airplanes, building a bird house, going to the local hardware store for paint supplies, a home project, a fun craft, making homemade playdough, baking cookies, learning a new recipe, measuring for new carpet, researching remote control cars,… you get the picture…all of these offer a variety of learning opportunities. Measuring, reading reviews, unit pricing, budgeting, recording inventory, employable skills, and/or planning. All of these are helpful for the child’s future. The first teacher in your child’s life was You. You taught them to say, “Mama, Dadda, yes, no, car, truck, pig, dog, bird….You taught them to walk, jump rope, ride a bike, play with playdough, and learn their shapes and animal noises.
#7 FACE THE TRAUMA: Often times, adopted children have missed a great deal of school in their past due to their dysfunctional homelife, missing many school days, frequent moves and/or trauma response. Trauma stops a person’s brain from being able to receive the information it is given. Trauma, if not dealt with appropriately, i.e. Neurofeedback or EMDR therapy (not traditional talk therapy), can prevent the child from learning to their potential. Deal with the gaps, keep it low-stress, and figure out where they need to begin. Take extra time to deal with their trauma. We would often read books or go through trauma workbooks together. Learning with diagrams and pictures and writing on a board or large paper is best for them to visualize what you are trying to teach. We called it TFTF, ‘Therapy for the Family’ and each child had their own notebook and wrote what was on the board. It kept them accountable and including all sorts of topics such as how to be a friend and who a safe person would be. They all enjoyed it and I kept them engaged by including them with role play and open-ended questions.
#8 UNDESIRABLE BEHAVIORS: Unfortunately, adoptive issues and trauma often comes with behaviors that we did not necessary plan for or had time for in our busy lives. I tried to battle each undesired moment as a learning opportunity. We can learn from our mistakes, what makes our child tick, what our child’s triggers are, and ways we can perhaps avoid the meltdowns and/or undesirable behaviors. Some of our children, due to their Reactive Attachment Disorder or other uncontrollable trauma response, struggle to learn from consequences, punishments, and/or their own mistakes. That brings me to #9.
#9 OUR OWN TRIGGERS: We learn more about ourselves than our child. Homeschooling brings out the best and the worst in all of us. We do not have the time away from one another. We begin to realize, not just what triggers our child, but also what triggers us. For example, my child was an expert at the ‘blank stare’ when asked a simple question or caught in a lie. It was their trauma response. Researching the Parenting from A-Z might be beneficial. It would not be good for the teacher to go ballistic when triggered, nor do we want that for ourselves. We all need to learn calming techniques, taking several deep breaths, taking time out to pray, stepping away, and addressing it at a later, calmer time. The child needs to learn that too. Gaming systems, such as the Mightier is costly, but is a fun way for children to learn calming skills. Make it a priority. You will all be happier for it. It is worth the extra time put into it.
#10 ENJOY EVERY AGE: When my first newborn was born and I went to the hospital with his birth mother, I decided at that point, to enjoy every age. Sometimes we forget, with each age and their eventual strive for independence, to enjoy them. I keep a book, “My Quotable Kid” and write down some of the funny things my kids say. Sometimes they feel few and far between as I can get so frustrated with them or just buried in our daily activities and tasks, but it is important to document those good times and those funny moments. We do not want to forget these fun moments together, and I often read them to my children as they grow up.
As an adoptive mother of thirteen children, eleven of which are of biracial, Hispanic, and African descent, I have seen Racism. Now, that is a bold statement as most of Racism is not a blatant verbal or physical display, of someone’s hatred of skin color or culture. It is woven into the fabric of our society in subtle ways that we often do not see unless we are, well, not white. When we grow up white, in a dominantly white society, we are often oblivious to Racism because it does not affect us and until now, it did not affect us. Now, we are being forced to look at the issue whether it is from rioters, protesters, or simple articles like these. It is in the news at the Doctor’s office, our gym, social media, and on the radio. We can not escape it, even if we refuse to look at it in our private homes and cars.
How have I seen Racism as a parent of non-white children.
People automatically stare. They can not help but stare, because I am white and some of my children are ‘obviously’ not mine. Interestingly, several of my children have white biological mothers and would have been brought up in a white home, had I not adopted them. Regardless, people forget how hurtful a simple ‘stare’ can be, especially without a smile associated with it.
Blatant Racism is probably the most hurtful, causing bitterness and anger to set into the soul. When my daughter worked in the grocery store near our home, in a diverse suburb of Phoenix, AZ, she began to bag the customers groceries as her job description requires. The woman instantly told her not to bag her groceries, because she would do it, adding that she did not want my daughter touching her groceries as she was ‘black.’ My daughter did not respond negatively to her. When her order was scanned and bagged by the cashier, my daughter then asked the woman if she would like help out to her car with her groceries. It was then that it really sunk in. The woman exclaimed it very clearly, that she wanted, “No help” from my daughter “because she was black.” This happened just last year, in 2019, and is just one example.
Round about Racism. My foster brother was attending an elementary school in a predominantly white rural area. My foster brother had a white mom but took after his African American father. A fellow student in the first grade called him the ‘N’ word. My little brother lashed out at the other boy in anger by pushing him. He was quickly and harshly disciplined by the principal, but the boy calling him names received no punishment.
More recently, my bi-racial son walked into a new church in an urban area, when he immediately felt uncomfortable. Two white men began to talk in whispered tones. He left, vowing he would not go to any church. (Thankfully, he did, and found a very welcoming church with people willing to really reach out to him and introduce him to a man who does not judge; Jesus.)
Subtle Racism is not often seen or recognized by those not looking for it or living it. My sixteen-year-old son is an athletic African soccer player for his high school and club. We have seen him get completely pulverized, blatantly tripped, and elbowed in the head several times in one game until he finally got hit in the right spot to give him a concussion. I understand soccer is a contact sport. I did not sign him up for ballet lessons, but what happens to him on the field is unethical and wrong. He rarely gets calls, meaning that when these fouls occur, they are ignored. Regardless of how twisted up his body gets or how hard he hits the ground, he is expected to withstand it. If he were a thin white kid, such a move would not be ignored, but would cause the other player to be kicked out of the game with a red card. He has extraordinary talent and it breaks my heart that he is rarely free to play the game he loves, rather it is turned into a wrestling match with arms twisted with his as he is running full speed or turned into a football game with no protective gear. My child’s offense is EWB – Excelling While Black. He is unstoppable on the field except when he is pulverized, tripped or elbowed illegally.
Man looking at camera with an inquisitive look.
Society needs to begin to recognize, care, and stand up to Racism and targeting. We are all the same race – the human race – with more similarities than differences. All lives matter, born and unborn, and we need to treat everyone as such. Society needs to stop targeting people based on their color, culture, and profession (ie police officers), and society starts with each and every individual.
Ask someone today how their color has affected how they have been treated. Ask for their story.
Angie K Elliston and her husband have been married over 20 years. Together they have adopted from the foster care system, adoption disruption, internationally and privately. Their oldest child at adoption placement was 16 and their youngest was a newborn. They are committed to one another and the challenges of adopting children from an array of backgrounds and trauma.
