I recently answered a foster parent’s questions about the pros and cons of adopting siblings. When we first started our adoption journey, it was my dream to adopt a large sibling group. I heard of a family on the news who adopted ten children to keep their family together, and it was inspiring. I wanted the same.
We searched for children to adopt for a year and a half. There was a brick wall between the children who need to be adopted and the families who want to adopt. Since then, this brick wall has been torn down a bit by the internet, but it still exists. More needs to be done to connect those who need to be adopted and those who wish to adopt. There also needs to be more comprehensive education regarding the trauma these children struggle with.
“I would like to adopt siblings. What are the pros and cons of adopting siblings?”
Pros
Everyone knows the pros of adopting siblings. The pros of adopting siblings are as obvious as the joys of adoption. Keeping siblings together is a wonderful sentiment and ought to be the goal from the beginning. Siblings need each other and they should always have the option to be together. It just makes sense. It is not the children’s fault that their parents are incapable or unwilling to parent them properly. The children should not suffer the ultimate consequence of being separated. If kept together to grow up together, they could experience life events together and lean on each other. They could know each other and have the opportunity to have a relationship as adults. We believe this strongly and sought out the siblings to the children we had already adopted and fought for them.
Cons
Our children have complex traumas and do not understand one another or help one another through difficulties. They feed off each other and make each other worse. Our siblings were not healthy for each other. They did not help one another through difficulties, but rather helped one another dig their hole of depression, anger, and sadness; deeper. Foster/adopted children need a great deal of trauma therapies and trauma-informed professionals. We could find none in our area.
Also, our girls would gang up on us. This gang mentality was confusing for us and became scary at times. It quickly became an Us against Them situation; one we had never expected. Our daughters gave each other a ‘knowing look’ when they disagreed with us. We did not understand what that look meant, until they became much older. It was the look of Us against Them and the screaming and the anger would surely ensue.
We also noticed a lack of true bonding between our adopted siblings. In lieu of a sibling bond, they grew an unhealthy jealousy, anger, resentment, and connection with one another. It was not displayed as love or attachment, but more of an unhealthy loyalty. Our daughter displayed Reactive Attachment (RAD) and Post Traumatic Stress (PTSD) which escalated to violence and running away. It then set off her biological brother.
It was like a domino effect we did not see coming. He quickly spiraled down a hole. He had been so happy, bonded, loving, and secure in his standing in our family. It eventually led to homelessness, alcoholism, drugs, and domestic violence.
Keep in mind, the ‘danger’ of abuse between adopted siblings; physical, psychological, and sexual abuse is still very present with adopted siblings. Our family needed security cameras, door alarms, room restrictions, and locked cabinets in order to keep everyone safe. Our goal was to protect both the perpetrator, from himself, as well as the victim.
Additionally
A fellow foster parent changed the last name of her foster child. This gave the foster child the security they needed and desired, although there was no formal adoption. When a child is adopted, all support ends for the adoptive parents. All of their adopted child’s behaviors and trauma become their fault. The adoptive parent is often accused of abuse. In reality, it is the child’s trauma that led the child to act out or speak poorly of them. (Disclaimer: Not always the case. Abuse occurs and I promote subjective, thorough investigations where all evidence is looked at and not discarded.)
Consider the Facts
Recognizing and understanding the pros and cons of adopting siblings opens your eyes to the realities of adoption. It is a beautiful sentiment to want to keep siblings together. Adopting siblings is often pushed on us by the foster/adoptive system without any real thought of the overall consequences. Consider the facts and be honest with yourself and your family whether you should take on such a tremendous responsibility.
Adoption is exciting for everyone involved. It does not, however, erase the child’s trauma, nor does it erase your infertility struggles or death of a child. Trauma needs to be recognized and treated with trauma-informed adults around them. Set aside monies to take care of their mental health needs just as you would their physical needs. Research trauma therapies and therapists and find the best. Your child is worth it. A warning: Usually the best is a private pay situation, not covered by insurance.
The Rest of the Story
I have told a small amount of our story. Read the rest of our story in PHOENIX BOUND: An Adoptive Mom of 13 Shares Her Struggle Raising Traumatized Children. If you would like merchandise that reflects what I pointed out in this blog, go to www.AngieKElliston.com
