There are many reasons for people to begin thinking about adopting a child as they get older. Some have raised their biological children and feel there is something missing in their lives. Some have devoted their lives to their career and now want to experience the joys of being a parent, or there may be a specific child someone knows that they are concerned about. Whatever the reason, our hearts can often turn to the option of adoption at a slightly older age than we would have originally planned, and therefore, I have gotten the question a great deal, “Am I too old to adopt?” I hope my answer helps in your decision.
Each agency, country and organization have specific policies to regulate who they permit to adopt. Find the organization and country willing to allow you to adopt. There are also regulations based on legal offenses, age, sexual identity and family size. Beyond that, agencies can make up reasons they don’t want to work with you. It will be near impossible to fight them and in my opinion, you want to go where you are wanted, so find an agency that you can work with in a friendly manner.
The older I get, the more I realize how subjective age is. In other words, it is not the age that is the concern. It is the challenges and our ability to adapt to these challenges. For example, if you plan to adopt, you need to be prepared for the challenges as well as the potential challenges the new addition will present. If you plan to adopt a baby, you need to be willing to buy the necessary things a baby needs such as diapers and formula. You also need to be prepared for some sleepless nights, childcare and allow time for naps, but you also need to be aware that it is a long-term commitment. It will be at least eighteen years before they go off to college or leave for independence, so add eighteen years to your current age and think about whether you would like to be parenting, disciplining, and attending their athletic games or dance recitals up to that age.
Children with a great deal of trauma may take more energy to handle. Their behaviors and perception of the world is a reflection of what is going on in their hearts and can be quite taxing. Energy, patience and a strong support system is a necessity. Trauma comes in waves, being triggered by the slightest thing, and you need to stand up to it with resilience, strength and an inner peace. An exhausted adult cannot effectively handle the trauma that can attempt to destroy everything you sought to do for the child. Additionally, the adult needs to come to terms with any trauma that they have personally experienced, so as not to be triggered themselves or put their own trauma onto the child. Another consideration is finances. Money may be needed for therapies or other extraordinary needs. Everything should be talked about with your spouse, openly and honestly. Everything should be considered. There should not be a conversation that you shy away from and both of you should be on the same page. If there is a wedge between the two of you, the hurting child can and will use that to manipulate and triangulate.
Special needs children have just that, special needs. Learning what their special needs are and how you can help them is essential. The additional energy, patience and strength may be too much as years go by. Finances may be stretched, too, due to the need for specialized equipment, extra caregiving needs, or therapies. It is not a reason to decide not to adopt, but it is a consideration before making this decision.
If you do not decide to adopt, consider a different way that you can stay in this child’s life or other hurting children’s lives. The children are our future and need your wisdom, strength and perseverance. Can you read to children in a school? Can you befriend a young family or a widowed family? Can you volunteer your time to a summer camp or organization who works with troubled children? Remember that the trauma inside of a child is expressed outwardly. It is their pain that causes them to act out behaviorally. When confronted, they often do not know why they do the things they do. Perhaps your life experiences can help them see things differently.
When these children are grown up, independent and have families of their own, you will have one another left. Will it be a healthy relationship? That’s up to you, now as you make decisions together and travel on this journey called ‘Life’ together. Do not be afraid of information and considering everything.
